Family Constellations for Dummies
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Family Constellations for Dummies

I try to put it as simply as possible, but if you find this difficult to understand or confusing, please feel free to put your questions in the comments below.

Family Constellations is an embodied approach that explores the hidden dynamics as well as patterns within a family system to bring healing and resolution. It acknowledges that our present experiences and challenges can be influenced by unresolved issues from our ancestors, which are passed down through generations.

In a Family Constellations session, a group gathers to represent family members or other elements of a person’s life. The person seeking resolution [called the ‘issue holder’, ‘seeker’ or ‘focus client’] chooses representatives for themselves, their family members, or abstract concepts like Love, Trauma or The Illness. These representatives [or representations] are placed in a physical or virtual arrangement, forming a “constellation.” A family constellation can also very successfully be done in a virtual space, and one-to-one (see pictures below).

Through the guidance of a facilitator, the exploration unfolds, and the representatives start to experience thoughts, emotions and physical sensations related to the people or concepts they are representing. This allows the hidden dynamics and entanglements within the family system to become visible. It works through setting an intention to let the body feel the representation (through resonance) in a collected state of mind.

The facilitator observes the constellation and helps reveal the underlying issues or entanglements that contribute to the client’s difficulties. By recognising and acknowledging these dynamics, the client gains a deeper understanding of their own experiences and can make significant shifts toward resolution.

Family Constellations reveal “entanglements”, imbalance or unhealed wounds in the family system. The resolution affects the present members and even future generations. By bringing awareness to these entanglements, individuals can release the burdens they unknowingly carried and find their own place in the family system.

This approach shows the interconnectedness of family and offers a way to honour and heal the past, leading to greater peace and harmony in the present. It can be a powerful tool for personal growth, resolving conflicts, and finding new perspectives on family dynamics.

One-to-one, in-person Family Constellation with figurines on a table or board.
One-to-one, in-person Family Constellation with figurines on a table or board.
Group workshop with Family Constellations (The TRANSFORMProcessTM).
Group workshop with Family Constellations (The TRANSFORMProcessTM).
One-to-one, in-person Family Constellation with floor markers.
One-to-one, in-person Family Constellation with floor markers.
Family Constellation on a round board with semi-precious stones and other items.
Family Constellation on a round board with semi-precious stones and other items.
Online Family Constellation via Zoom, using an online vision board platform.
Online Family Constellation via Zoom, using an online vision board platform.
One-to-one online Family Constellation via Zoom, using an online constellation board.
One-to-one online Family Constellation via Zoom, using an online constellation board.
Judgements
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Judgements

But really, it is an illusion that others can’t see your worth. Someone who shows you disrespect probably does see who you are. But how you are triggers something in them; a cell memory; something in their shadow; something they cannot love and accept in themselves. There is an internalised voice in them that judges you. But that voice is a voice from their past. Someone who was hurt. You or your behaviour triggers a memory; feels like a threat to them. They most probably have no sensible explanation for their dislike of you.

Those ghosts from the past may also live within you. And you might think their judgements about you are your own. Only when you realise that your identity was constructed by lots of other people’s identities, you will see that you are not the one who thinks. It is not you who judges you. You are awareness witnessing those thoughts, and you choose to believe them. That is identification – another building block to your ego.
So, really, it’s not worth believing any of what is going through your mind. It’s always enough just to witness it.
You are the creator of your ego. You can decide at any moment who you choose to be in this big play called humanity.
When you find yourself putting you down, ask yourself, is it serving me and others, or is it serving only me, or is it serving only them. Only if your thoughts are serving the whole, you are serving Love.

ihatemyself #donthateyourself #awarenessiseverything #TheTRANSFORMProcessTM

Inner Child Work
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Inner Child Work

The wound was not your fault, but the healing is your responsibility

It is so easy to blame the parent or parents (or anyone) for the misery we might be going through. But they did what they did with what they knew at the time. And it was what it was; there is no turning back the time. We cannot change what happened. So why resist reality? Acknowledging what was and what is, is the first step towards peace. Saying “yes” to the past is more powerful than resisting to accept it. Now, when acceptance enters our system, we can attend to those feelings we were not able to express when we were subjected to emotional and/or physical bruising. Our parents (or whoever hurt us) may still not have the skills to hold us in that pain. But we know what we needed when we were in that place. So now we make sure we give ourselves what we needed then. Step by step. Slowly and intentionally. Sometimes, this means reaching out to someone who can hold us when we’re hurting. And this is how it goes. Until we have attended to all those inner children and teenagers inside. And that can take a lifetime. And that is okay.

#healingtrauma #selfhealing #healingispossible #healingisajourney #healingisaprocess #howtoparentyourself #HowtoHeal #selfdevelopment #TheTRANSFORMProcessTM

Bad relations
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Bad relations

You are not obligated to have relationships with family members who are not good for your mental health.

Whilst I agree with the statement above, I believe that, as adults, we still hold a form of inner relationship with family members, whether we like it or not. In my experience it is helpful to work on those uncomfortable relationships, because the negativity or abuse that came from them towards us will have been internalised during the years we had endured it. Until we have made peace with them within us, we will be triggered by the people who act like those family members. We’ll simply meet them or find them represented in other people we meet and have relationships with. So, yes, turning away or not interacting with those family members who continually agonise us is probably advisable, but we still need to address our internal family system in order to find peace. For that to happen we need to get to a deeper understanding, and that usually happens when we allow ourselves to see a bigger picture.
Both my parents were completely unable to regulate their own nervous systems and therefore snapped every time I stretched their patience. It did not take much to be severely punished. It still doesn’t. Through Family Constellations and other healing work I saw how they grew up, their difficult childhoods, their traumatised parents, the hardship they had to survive, I came to understand where they are coming from, and I find it much easier to be in relation with them. I just continually and consciously decide to be with them in a way they can handle. And inside of me, through all the healing I’ve done, I have been holding them with love and respect, despite their failings. That has given me so much more peace. Meeting negative behaviour or abuse from others I can handle so much better, knowing, we all have a history that made us who we are. And besides, I have in some respects failed my children too.

If you are looking for healing your inner relationship with family members, I suggest to get in touch with me for a free 20-minute chat during which we can figure out if I can help.

#selfdevelopment #familydynamics #FamilyBonds #TheTRANSFORMProcessTM

Momentum
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Momentum

The Universe works in mysterious ways, doesn’t it. At the beginning of last year I thought I would never make a living from Family Constellations and Life Coaching.

At this point in time (October 2022),

  • and I have a running and growing, one-to-one, local, and online clinic.
  • I have also started to offer systemic supervision.

For seventeen years I have been offering my systemic work to the Oxfordshire community; and since Covid-19 also to an international community of like-minded self-healers. Have I made a living from my work? The simple answer is ‘no’. I have always made just about enough money to not give up. Whenever I felt like giving up, another door opened, and I kept going. I am so glad I did. There has always been a bunch of people in my life who one-hundred percent believed in me and cheered me on when I was about to give up: My husband, my children, a couple of close friends, a couple of colleagues, and most clients I worked with. Thank You All! I am not in it for the money (although, of course I need to create a balance of giving and receiving); I am in it for making a difference.

I deserve this.

Since 1992 I have been actively working on my self development; which makes it 30 years. It all started with the realisation that I was in an abusive relationship and had to get out. My daughter was eight months old. My first contact with therapy was with a counsellor whom I saw for a few months. Goodness, he was good. I came out of that with a way forward and a first idea of how brain-washed I was. Losing my parental rights when my first-born was only seven years old, and not seeing her anymore, pushed me into the next step of active self-development. I had a ‘rebalancing’ session with a body therapist. For the first time ever I got a sense of my body holding trauma and wisdom. The therapist suggested I should attend a workshop called ‘Initiative‘ with Klaus Frey, ‘neue wege seminare‘, Germany. I had no idea what that was going to bring, but I was desperate. I had just had a most amazing body work session, and I needed something to help me get out of this hell. I signed up, took part, and I have never looked back. In essence, I learned this:

  • To consciously recognize my own limiting behavioural patterns;
  • to free myself from conditioning such as thought structures, habits, fears and stress;
  • to overcome the comfort zone;
  • to be attentive and mindful in dealing with myself and others;
  • to develop new perspectives,
  • to create the extraordinary;
  • and to live a life based on love and mutual respect.

Klaus gave me the parental guidance I had lacked. To this day I still always make sure I apply all I learned with him. He gave me not only the basics of how to be a leader, but also how to love myself and hold myself responsible for my thoughts, beliefs, and actions.

I feel I have made it. The feedback I receive is humbling. Several clients have cheered me on to never stop, and they keep coming back for more. This feels amazing.

Recently I sent out a call for video testimonials to people who have worked with me. Those heroes have done a lovely job. I know how self conscious I am when I create a video of myself. So, a million kudos to you guys, and THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!

Here, you can listen to a testimonial by my friend Amanda Tracey (Sacred Space holder, Ceremony/Circle Facilitator, Magick Maker and Guardian of Gaia), which she recorded for me in September 2022:

Testimonial by Amanda Tracey, Founder and Director of “Goddess Liberation”

Thank you, Soul Sista! There are more testimonials across my website.

There is also a lovely video out there now, in which I am being interviewed by Carole Douillot (Executive and Career Coach), where I answer many questions about the workshops I offer:

I am answering Carole Douillot’s questions about my workshop

If you feel drawn to work with me, may it be online or in person, one to one or in a group setting, please feel free to get in touch via my contact page. I shall be happy to have a non-committal, informal chat with you in order for us both to feel into the possibility to work together.

Thank you, Universe. Thank you, Light. Thank you, Love.

May Peace be with us all.

Covid-19 is a wake-up call
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Covid-19 is a wake-up call

I put a question to you, and I invite you to have a real think about this:
If we did not have TV / Social Media / Radio / Newspapers – How would we have responded to Covid-19?

The answer is probably different for everyone. But please, do have a think about this question. How would the virus have affected you if you hadn’t got the constant news feed?

It depends on one’s life circumstances, heritage, and how affected one was by this new virus. If one lives in a crowded place, the experience is probably much scarier than in a more remote living area. Some of us may not even have noticed that there was a bad killer virus out to destroy us.

If one has health issues which affect one’s immunity it is probably constantly a worry when a virus goes round as it is always possible that it may cause severe illness or death.

If one is healthy and leads a healthy life style it is very likely that one gets through it okay; maybe bruised, but most certainly okay.

I remember getting the seasonal flu once or twice a year during my childhood and early adolescence. It was always scary for my parents, because I got them really bad. I was always in bed for two weeks and struggling big time through it, and my mum was super worried. Over time, I’m sure I built up good resistance in my system; and from a certain age I never got the flu again; only normal, manageable colds since. I never felt I needed a flu jab. I’ve always somehow managed to lead a balanced life style, thanks to my mother teaching me to eat well.

Vaccinating our children and youth seems wrong to me, as we’re telling them their immune system can’t cope by itself. The message to them is, “live in fear”. Living in fear weakens our immune system. Where will this lead?

I understand that we need to care about and protect the vulnerable, but as far as I know we’ve always done that. Most people are caring and loving. Before this Covid-19 narrative of fear and panic it was actually normal to lose a loved one to a virus, especially a respiratory one.

Since when is it not okay anymore that old people die? What age is actually okay for them to die? Within a very short period of time, our average dying age has risen to quite a high one. Why is it so important to keep people alive at all cost? Is dying not okay? Why? Of course it is devastating. Is it not part of life, though, to deal with illness and loss? Would there be any life without death?

If we as a society keep patching up every ailment instead getting to the root of our health issues and keep vaccinating preventatively, where is this going to lead?

Our planet’s biggest enemy is the human with his greed. We’re all greedy – me included. Why can’t we own that and actually really work on it?

For nearly two years we haven’t been living in order to avoid dying or seeing loved ones die. Is that the answer?

And how is a continuous vaccination programme which makes big pharma bigger and richer (and the beneficiaries much more privileged) the answer to a virus that has changed to a less severe one? Omicron is clearly less severe than Delta. What is this telling us?

What this bug has taught me is that systems are failing. It seems to me that we need the vaccination programme only so that the health care system doesn’t get overwhelmed. Why then not investing in a better health system?

Apparently some medicines are showing good effects in treating the lurgy. Why is not more known about this? Why is that part not more invested in?

Why is there only one narrative out there? Namely, that this virus is a killer and dangerous. If that was so, then mother nature would be quite stupid. A virus can only live if its host lives. I don’t believe that nature is stupid. She shows us in a million trillion ways how intelligent she is.

Nature is about survival of the fittest. Just look at wildlife and you see this very clearly.

So, for me the question is, how can we learn to be more fit.

Our life styles have made us sick and vulnerable. So, is the answer not to invest those billions in better life styles?

It’s not only the amount of money being shoved into patching up. I also see an enormous amount of rubbish being produced and growing our waste mountains exponentially with PPE and all we need for this vax programme. We’re literally causing our planet more grief by trying to control something that humans simply cannot control.

Of course we’ve had big casualties. But this is because we’ve all been not conscious enough about how to live well and be well. We’re still smoking, eating shit, drinking too much, overworking, working in jobs that are bad for us, not addressing our traumas etc etc.

I think the virus is calling us to come back to who we are meant to be – just another species which is called to be in harmony with nature. We are nature.

If we didn’t think (or listen to our thoughts), we would naturally just make sure to live in harmony with nature. Like other species, the weak and vulnerable die sooner than those who are stronger and more adaptable.

What do we want? Do we want humanity to evolve in harmony with planet earth and nature, or do we want everyone to live to 100 and further at any cost?

Our society, our systems are built on quick sand, and we’re simply feeling the effects of it. It’s a collapse – the fruit of our seeds.

Why not concentrate on finding solutions which are beneficial to all rather than forcing us all into submission to systems that are failing? Humanity’s self destruct will only happen if most of us agree to go on as we have and to follow orders from above.

Hey – we have power! We have brains to work this out – collectively.

If we feel humanity should go on, the only answer is to work in harmony with nature. To listen and be in tune with nature. The way we’ve been dealing with crisis is leading us to self destruction. The governments are leading us to self destruction (including themselves, by the way).

Fine, lets vaccinate our vulnerable. But please leave our children out of this! Their bodies will deal with new viruses. They are young and equipped to do so.

And yes, there are people who can’t get vaccinated. Why not pour all those millions into the research, protection and the care they need?

Constant and ongoing vaccination is not the only answer to this virus.

I know only three people who were very ill with Covid-19. All three were not vaccinated, but they survived. Yes, it was hard and ugly. Yes, recovery took long, but they’ve all three come through okay. I know of only one unvaccinated person who died with Covid, and I know it was a shock to the surviving kin. Yes, it is a tragedy. Life doesn’t feel fair.

Who said life was fair?

I truly believe that we with our limited brains cannot really decide what is fair and what isn’t. I think we need to leave this to our mother planet. She definitely is bigger than us, and much much wiser.
Humanity is either going to evolve or self destruct.

I don’t believe that submitting to big tech, big pharma, stupid governments led by self serving clowns and allowing ourselves to live in a virtual reality is what Earth has ‘in mind’ for us – it is not what I think evolution is. To me this smells of self destruction.

I think we all have a choice to make:
Being lead by our hearts or being led by our greed, fear and need to be comfortable.
I have seen so much loneliness, and I’ve witnessed so many being let down by the systems, it is heart-breaking.

We are all called to wake up to what is at stake.

We need to accept that we are finite. We have a life span. It is up to us how we live that life. But living is what we all want. Right?

Well – I am definitely not going to put my life on hold anymore. I will live, even if it means dangerously.

I will resist vaccination mandates and passports. If I have learned one thing during these last 20 months or so, it is that I won’t be liked by everyone, and I can’t please everyone. I also can’t save myself or anyone else. It is literally impossible.

What happened to us through Covid-19 is division.

I stand for unity, kindness and peace. And I know that we all have different needs because of where we come from and where we want to go. All I can do now is to respect my needs and yours and to decide for myself what is right for me and what is not. I can’t decide that for anyone else.

I have experienced the distancing and divide within my own friendships and families. So far, there are not many casualties for me. I am lucky. I am not only lucky, though. I also am courageous enough to stand for my beliefs, but also to keep an open mind and heart.

I choose not to believe anything written or streamed out there anymore. I only believe what feels in alignment with my heart. I should have done just that 20 months ago. But that is another story.

Wherever we stand in this challenging time, I wish us well. I really do.

Silvia Siret

My next Systems Constellations workshop is going to happen on 29th January, 10 am – 5 pm, in Abingdon-on-Thames. If you experience family, friendship or work issues, a constellation is very insightful and often healing.

Here’s the link to my Eventbrite page: https://OxISC.eventbrite.co.uk

Hellinger’s Approach
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Hellinger’s Approach

Alemka Dauskardt is one of the living ‘disciples’ of the non-guru philosopher, psychotherapist and poet Bert Hellinger. She worked closely with him, learned from and with him and has been working on keeping his legacy alive and developing.

When I’ve felt lost within the wider community of constellation work, it was Alemka who gave me wise direction without saying much. One poignant piece of advice she gave me years ago at an ISCA conference in Croatia was, “Silvia, you can stop working so hard”. I received it with tears of relief and gratefulness, although it took me a long while to understand the fullness of what she said. Her words have been with me since; and whenever I’ve been finding myself stressed about my career as a Family Constellations Facilitator, I knew I had to just stop and breathe. When I work hard and want to force it, the Field contracts. When I accept what is and bring my playful, creative energy into it, the Field expands. The emerging future is always just a breath away, and the Field is guiding me. All I can do is be still, be here, now, at all times and hold my intention gently with humility. The intention being, I bring the phenomenological approach according to Bert Hellinger into the world. And that I have been doing in my own, small, individual way, for the last 16+ years. I have lately been feeling much more in the flow of Life, and I find myself accepting of what is. My last workshop left me full of Love and gratefulness, with a sense of having arrived in my own unique light.

Alemka Dauskardt, Max Dauskardt, Family Constellations according to Hellinger
Alemka and Max Dauskardt, 27 Feb 2016

I think Alemka’s latest post [below] is beautifully written, although it is so very difficult to put into words what Hellinger represented, and she did it – again – so eloquently.

I am grateful for her clear guidance. I do want to mention her husband Max as well, as I hold him equally dear in my heart. They’re an amazing team in their mission and a lovely couple.

Please read the following article if you would like to understand which journey I’ve been [and keep being] on: The beautiful ‘Family Constellations according to Hellinger’ journey. Hellinger touched my Soul and still does so, whenever I take time to read his texts. What an inspiration, a true healer he was and still is; a Living Legend.

Read Alemka’s Article here

My next physical meeting with Family Systems Constellations is:

Saturday 6 November, 10am – 10:30pm, Headington, Oxford, UK

My booking page is this: https://OxISC.eventbrite.co.uk

Racism from a Systemic Perspective
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Racism from a Systemic Perspective

An interview with a colleague

Zita Tulyahikayo is a peer in the world of Systems Constellations, and I first came across her on Instagram; later on LinkedIn. The way she uses words to get me thinking is what fascinates me. An example from her repertoire:

“A victim identity is the belief that other people and what they did/do to you is responsible for who you are now, for your emotional pain or your inability to be your true self. The belief of the victim is that the past is more powerful than the present, which is the opposite of the truth.“

She speaks to the healthy part in me and in that way helps me get unstuck; I suck up every word she speaks. A while ago, at OTS-Oxford Therapy Centre, which I pride myself to be a member of, I attended a class on “White Fragility”, which got me started on contemplating racism and my whiteness. Soon after “Black Lives Matter” was all over the press and social media, and just recently, a bunch of football fans dissed the coloured members of the England team (and – of course – a lot of racism-themed articles in the press in between those events).

I witnessed Zita speak about her family, mixed heritage and culture during a masterclass, offered by the Centre of Systemic Constellations London about a year ago. She addressed ‘racism’ in a way I had never seen before; she made me feel at ease thinking and talking about it, but she also gave historical facts that opened my eyes to a whole new dimension of ‘the movement of racism’. As a systemic thinker she has interesting insights into the matter, and I believe Zita’s wisdom and way of using words is fascinating and compelling.

I’m not a professional in the world of podcasts, and I’m not what one would call a great interviewer. But Zita excels as an interviewee and makes this session one worth listening to. Please, also excuse the quality of the video, as my equipment is very basic, living on a boat, and my WiFi connection wasn’t the best either due to the hot weather (my roof receiver was overheated).

If you want to know more about Zita or want to get in touch with her, please go to her website: http://lifetherapywithzita.com

Consciousness in the eyes of a Zen Priest
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Consciousness in the eyes of a Zen Priest

Zen Priest Michael Pockley talks with me about Zen, Consciousness, God and how to get to a place of love.

Michael was my Zen meditation teacher before we became close friends; we’ve known each other since 2006. He is still my go-to person when my mind is in a pickle about something. I always find myself in a more peaceful, clearer place when I’ve talked with him. He has written several books, which you’ll find on Amazon. And he’s a painter (see link below).

Please excuse the background noise – Michael said he couldn’t hear it; it might be a noise from the ether coming through. Lack of professional gear 😉

If you want to get in touch with Rev. Michael Pockley, MA, PGDip, PGCE:

Art: https://pockley.blogspot.com/

Academic: https://michaelpockley.blogspot.com/

Zen: https://en.everybodywiki.com/Michael_Pockley

or email him at pockley@gmail.com

The Feldenkrais Method
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The Feldenkrais Method

I want to create awareness of The Feldenkrais Method, because it has been helping me to rearrange my body in a more healthy way, creating healthier synapses in my brain with regard to how I use my body more efficiently, and healing my nervous system with the power of my mind. I’ve been taking my lessons with Ed Woodall, actor and international Feldenkrais teacher. Together with an international bunch of peers, I am enjoying my Feldenkrais sessions very much, as they are honestly more relaxing than challenging.

Because he is such a great teacher, I decided to interview him and use this interview to add to my podcast. This is my maiden interview, so, please forgive me for my non-professionalism and casual way. I’m nevertheless absolutely certain that you’ll enjoy these 50 minutes very much.

I hope you enjoyed this.

If you want to get in touch with Ed Woodall, please go to his website A Sense Of Movement. Please feel free to comment and like.

Do let me know your questions and themes you’d like to know more about in the comments below.

Wishing you All a wonder-full day,
Silvia