New attitude

I have been working on my self-image during the past three months. Not only have I been seeing my mentor (Martin Honeywell, Oxford) once a month and started a 6-month health coaching, but also have I painfully felt my lack of self-value, sat in meditation with those feelings, spoken about it with other people, reflected on it during workshops and done a constellation on wealth/money (which, amongst other things, brought up the issue about self value). I have been finding myself thinking negativ thoughts about my self and correcting them but also getting to the bottom of them, and I’ve been asking for feedback and cuddles/hugs from others to nurture my self. I’ve been looking into the mirror, trying to focus on the beautiful details of me reflecting from the mirror, and I have smiled a lot, especially when I didn’t feel like it.

The most rewarding and enriching thing I did, though, was to carry the positive me into my outside world – to my family, friends, colleagues, to my social networks, like the Fe-line Women’s network in Oxford, Facebook, Twitter and LinkedIn. What I have been receiving from this new way of feeling and presenting my self, goes beyond what I expected.

I am far away from not thinking negative thoughts, but I am more and more aware of them and correcting them, which has enhanced the quality of my life immensly. I am a better parent, partner, colleague and friend, and I have a much better relationship with myself.

Letting praise in and positive feedback is still a challenge for me, I find myself questioning it (“why is she/are they saying it – what do they want in return, are they just being nice?”). But I am getting better at it. The more I appreciate my self, the more I am being appreciated by the outside world – and able to let it in. And that applies to everything I am giving.

The world that I see is my mirror, it’s the mirror of my thoughts and beliefs about my self and the world.

I’ve also been listening to the Audiobook “The Power” by Rhonda Byrne (following her book ‘The Secret‘). I am recommending it to all people who truly feel they want to change. This book can change you (if you let it) – it’s like a positive mantra or affirmation to become the person you really are and that you deserve to be.

Another key to feeling really good – especially on a rainy or for other reasons rather unhappy day – is to stop and think about the good things you have in your life and feel immensly grateful for them. It’s truly uplifting.

Love to my self and the Universe!

Self esteem

I saw my mentor today. He felt slightly irritated about me feeling great every time I’m seeing him, and his view of me was that of a very busy woman being all over the place and at the same time appearing quite calm all the time. He must have sensed something else, something going on underneath that self-confident woman, especially when it came to the topic ‘money’. Building up my business means I have to apply a value to my work. I have always had an issue with money – I can’t remember feeling rich or well off, ever, or being able to receive money without feeling guilty. I always had this view of myself being a poor church mouse, and that this might possibly never change. I always think of myself not being able to ask for real money for my service. Am I worth it? Am I allowing myself to be successful, wealthy, better of than my parents, am I allowed to fail if I ask for real money? Today, being confronted with those questions, I suddenly became that – maybe – 13 year-old girl again, that was constantly being told she wasn’t good enough, had to change, had to do better, was inappropriate, wouldn’t achieve anything in life etc. I felt tearful, small, but also touched by this young spirited girl, who just did not get the assurance that she needed to become self-confident or build self esteem. I realised that my path was to build that up on my own by creating circumstances, which challenged me and made me reflect and grow. It actually started with my birth, when my mum had to give up and was sedated, and I was pulled out with forceps. My life, if I look back, has been a little like that. I’ve always pushed myself towards becoming a therapist, but I couldn’t do it without being pulled so often. Does it have to remain like that for the rest of my life? My mentor thinks, no. But I need to find that place in me that is able to get me where I want to be, to then fill that vacuum with self-esteem. Am I worth it? Am I valuable? Am I loveable? The only way of feeling worth it, valuable and loveable, is to re-assure myself as often as I can, that I am all that – until I feel it. The aim is to be independent from other people’s judgement about me. Isn’t it?