it’s day four of me being bald, and I’ve had some time to catch up with my heart. Because I’ve had a horrible cold, I’ve been home most of the time, not doing much at all. This has given me the time and space to feel into the new me. I’ve been looking into the mirror a lot. It’s always strange. Never seen me like this before. I’ve had very short hair twice before, in my early and in my late twenties. I remember on both occasions having this same feeling, like wanting to let go, making a new start. But I’ve never been bald. This one was radical. During the last days my scalp felt odd – very sand-paperish – not a nice feeling at all. Today it’s feeling a little nicer, a bit like dry moss on an old rock. When I now look into the mirror I feel good, really good, about myself. Not only did I achieve to raise over £2,000 and quite a bit awareness for A Band of Brothers in only 21 days, but I also received so much kindness, so many wonderful messages, and my husband has been looking at me in awe for the last 4 days (sho shweet). Wonderful. I did it for me. I needed to let go of the beautiful hair when it looked its best. Seems bonkers, I know. But I am on a self-healing path; finding my growth edges and shedding layers is what I do. It is very important to me that I walk my talk, that I’m an integral, authentic person. As someone who supports people to let go of old patterns and habits I need to lead the way first and be an example. Right?
Today I was asked twice if I wanted my long hair back. And twice I replied, “I don’t think so, I like myself more like this. It is more me.” The long hair was pleasing others more, in hindsight. To be quite honest with you, long hair felt like a pain to me. The washing, the conditioning, the combing, the hair in my face (urgh – hate that feeling), especially when walking outside with the wind blowing, also the pony tales (not very flattering and giving me headaches), and not being able to wear a hat when having a pony tale. Annoying. All that just to look feminine? Nope. I think I’m done with it. I am feminine. It’s not my looks that make me feminine. It will be interesting to experience how my new look will change people’s perception of me. I think they will see me better. The hair was kind of in the way between me and others; like a barrier.
Anyway – I’m a happy girl. And besides – this whole hype was in order to raise awareness for ABoB. I am so proud that I have done something for them. Because of them my husband is a lot happier in himself, has male support; has more access to his needs and emotions; is able to talk feelings with me and his ‘brothers’; has created deep, long-lasting friendships with some of them; and last but not least he has become an even more amazing partner to me. After 2 years with them he is now ready to mentor younger men and will soon attend another ABoB quest weekend. I am so very proud of him and blessed to love and be loved by him.
All I want with every fibre of myself is to motivate and encourage others to also be bold, courageous, brave. I do believe that if you don’t play you won’t win. Yes, it can back-fire sometimes. But without giving it a go you’ll never know. I certainly have landed on my bottom a few times in my life, but I far more often felt like winning the jack pot. Do make sure, though, that you have created a support network around you first. It’s important to be held by your community of like-minded people. It can feel very lonely if you do a courageous act and have no one to cheer you on, back you up and hold you during the transformation.
PS: Huge thanks to Amanda Tracey, who did the shaving and holding space for me. She’s my big hero. Her page www.goddessliberation.com is worth checking out. Lots of great events on offer for women.