Goddess Liberation

Hi all,

it’s day four of me being bald, and I’ve had some time to catch up with my heart. Because I’ve had a horrible cold, I’ve been home most of the time, not doing much at all. This has given me the time and space to feel into the new me. I’ve been looking into the mirror a lot. It’s always strange. Never seen me like this before. I’ve had very short hair twice before, in my early and in my late twenties. I remember on both occasions having this same feeling, like wanting to let go, making a new start. But I’ve never been bald. This one was radical. During the last days my scalp felt odd – very sand-paperish – not a nice feeling at all. Today it’s feeling a little nicer, a bit like dry moss on an old rock. When I now look into the mirror I feel good, really good, about myself. Not only did I achieve to raise over £2,000 and quite a bit awareness for A Band of Brothers in only 21 days, but I also received so much kindness, so many wonderful messages, and my husband has been looking at me in awe for the last 4 days (sho shweet). Wonderful. I did it for me. I needed to let go of the beautiful hair when it looked its best. Seems bonkers, I know. But I am on a self-healing path; finding my growth edges and  shedding layers is what I do. It is very important to me that I walk my talk, that I’m an integral, authentic person. As someone who supports people to let go of old patterns and habits I need to lead the way first and be an example. Right?

Today I was asked twice if I wanted my long hair back. And twice I replied, “I don’t think so, I like myself more like this. It is more me.” The long hair was pleasing others more, in hindsight. To be quite honest with you, long hair felt like a pain to me. The washing, the conditioning, the combing, the hair in my face (urgh – hate that feeling), especially when walking outside with the wind blowing, also the pony tales (not very flattering and giving me headaches), and not being able to wear a hat when having a pony tale. Annoying. All that just to look feminine? Nope. I think I’m done with it. I am feminine. It’s not my looks that make me feminine. It will be interesting to experience how my new look will change people’s perception of me. I think they will see me better. The hair was kind of in the way between me and others; like a barrier.

Anyway – I’m a happy girl. And besides – this whole hype was in order to raise awareness for ABoB. I am so proud that I have done something for them. Because of them my husband is a lot happier in himself, has male support; has more access to his needs and emotions; is able to talk feelings with me and his ‘brothers’; has created deep, long-lasting friendships with some of them; and last but not least he has become an even more amazing partner to me. After 2 years with them he is now ready to mentor younger men and will soon attend another ABoB quest weekend. I am so very proud of him and blessed to love and be loved by him.

All I want with every fibre of myself is to motivate and encourage others to also be bold, courageous, brave. I do believe that if you don’t play you won’t win. Yes, it can back-fire sometimes. But without giving it a go you’ll never know. I certainly have landed on my bottom a few times in my life, but I far more often felt like winning the jack pot. Do make sure, though, that you have created a support network around you first. It’s important to be held by your community of like-minded people. It can feel very lonely if you do a courageous act and have no one to cheer you on, back you up and hold you during the transformation.

bald, bold, brave, courageous, Silvia Siret, OxISC, change, positive change

Silvia, the liberated Goddess

PS: Huge thanks to Amanda Tracey, who did the shaving and holding space for me. She’s my big hero. Her page www.goddessliberation.com is worth checking out. Lots of great events on offer for women.

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I’ve done it – I’ve gone bald for ABoB

Here is the evidence:

You can still donate here: http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/SilviaSiret

The night before I felt shaky and tearful, realising I’d lose my beautiful hair. I was visualising my looks and how people would stare at me, but I was also starting to grieve the loss of my hair. My husband soothed me and kept telling me how great I was going to look and feel. My sleep was full of dreams of hair shaving and things going wrong. But in the morning I felt calm and ready. Ben Cole, who is producing a film about A Band of Brothers, had interviewed me the night before, and he was filming me while the hair came off – that was all exciting. A few friends and family came to the event, which was so comforting and encouraging. Amanda Tracey (www.goddessliberation.com) did the shaving and the head mandala for me. The whole process took over an hour.

Here is the video about the mandala:

Later I gave another interview to Ben, and we wrapped it all up. I’ve been receiving a lot of support in every way, and I feel so grateful for it all. The day was so beautiful.

Today, the day after, I’ve unfortunately got a cold, but I do feel liberated and at ease with my baldness. I look odd, yes, the bald patch feels cold all the time, and the mandala is gone now, and where my hair was is now a white patch; but I’m happy I’ve done it. My hair has grown just under 1 mm already, and it feels quite rough, going over it with my hand. The strangest thing about it is that when I touch my head, it feels like I’m touching someone else’s. Very weird.

My husband has been the most amazing friend and companion to me. He even got his head shaved two days before me, just to show his support. Isn’t that sweet?

I am now looking forward to talking more about A Band of Brothers, and raising more awareness and money for them.  But I also look forward to having some hair back and starting the hair growth journey again. It’s strange when people stare at me, I’m getting all self-conscious, but I respond with a big smile and remember that it’s still me. I guess this chapter is not over, I’ll have to get through awkward situations and funny short hair in order to get to a point where I like it again. Maybe I’ll actually keep it short. It has its benefits.

My last year has been all about letting go, releasing and finding my true self as well as raising money and awareness for ABoB. It’s self healing, and it’s not easy. I’m shedding a lot of tears; but I also feel more and more whole. It is such a blessing to have my husband by my side, but also the full support of the rest of my family. My children and bonus children have been nothing but supportive and cheered me on. Fantastic! My close friends have also been amazing. It’s so important to have a support network. Without you guys I couldn’t have done this.

Thank you!

My first Vlog – “Constellations”

My brief explanation of the word “Constellations” and how it works

There will be more … I will explain in more detail how it works and how it can help. So, watch this space.

Namaste.

My work life

I’m at home with a sniffy nose, a lot of coughing, a painful stomach and a headache. I chose not to go to work this morning. I always think I should not call in sick – feeling guilty and full of shame for being not well. Anybody else feeling like that? Also, when I’m ill, I feel so very ill and so very upset and low.

Anyway, I wanted to write about my work life.

2 years I’ve been with this department now. The time for change has come, ….. I thought. I’ve just had a radical haircut, which is usually an indicator for change in my life. Two years is enough. Isn’t it? No, don’t get me wrong. I love (most of) my colleagues, and (most of) my job. It doesn’t pay very well, but – compared to other reception/admin jobs – it pays pretty well. There is no obvious reason why I should leave. Well – that’s not quite true. It’s the city I’ve got to commute to and from; it’s loud and full of tourists and students – overcrowded, I’d call it. At least I’ve changed to three full days from five half days. But still, a minimum of 2 hours commute on a work day? Okay, it gives me time to read (on the bus). And – really – an hour to work is not that bad. Is it? It’s like I’m looking for a good enough reason to change jobs. My husband calls me a job junky. I think he’s right. Maybe I’m just addicted to changing jobs after it has become routine. Maybe I’m just addicted to change anyway???

I’ve been looking, locally, but nothing compares to my current position, neither the pay rates nor the stuff I’d have to do to earn my wages. And – will I ever find such a lovely team of colleagues again? I’d be taking quite a risk.

There’s something else bugging me, if I’m honest. When I came to this country, in the beginning of 2005, I did not intend to work in admin much longer. I’d had enough of it when I left Germany. I actually hated being a PA/secretary/admin assistant. The whole admin crap – I didn’t want it anymore. And here I am – still doing admin. I wanted to be a full-time therapist. That’s what I wanted. In eight years I have not managed to earn a living from being a therapist. I am now not earning a living from anything I do. The part-time job in admin doesn’t pay enough to live – at least not in an independent way. I’m contributing to the bills, that’s it. The other days I’m spending hours and hours trying to get my name out there and trying to convince the public that constellations are fantastic and that I am a great therapist.

Drawing a balance: I failed.

Is that the deeper reason I’m at home, feeling pretty grim? I think I feel sorry for myself. Yes. I feel sorry for myself. “Poor little Silvia! You are a loser! Let’s face it. But I do feel sorry for you, I really do.” Is that what I need?

Wuh, – – – wait!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I am not a loser. And I have not failed. Let’s face THAT, shall we?

I have changed jobs a lot, because I was never happy in them. I finally found a job, in which I am feeling happy enough to stay. I may only contribute to the bills and not earn enough to make a living, but I could if I wanted to. I don’t need to earn more than I currently do, because my husband and I have an arrangement. More than the income I need the time to build my therapeutic practice. And that is what the 2 other workdays are dedicated to.

I learned a lot on my way, and I learned that it is important to give energy into the things I’d like to grow. I also learned that I have most of my energy in the mornings. I know I haven’t made a rocket start; I’ve taken – I had to take – the little side roads, and I still am. On the way, I got to know exciting, supportive people, and slowly but surely I’ve been getting my name out there and still am. Don’t forget: I had to adapt to a new country. I left all my friends and family behind and had to start all over again. I’ve built friendships, strengthened my relationship, was a mother and bonus-mother to five children. I fostered two young people and I looked after dogs. I simply had no time to make a rocket start.

I know what it is: I’m sitting in this space that is empty. My kids are no longer here, the dogs are gone, too. I caught a bug. I’m feeling crap. That’s why I get this sense of emptiness. I misinterpreted it as failure.

I’m not failing. I never failed. I only ever did as best as I knew at the time.

There is so much to learn, still. But I’m on my way. I may not be the rocket therapist, but I may be the one who has been there, done that. And – once this bug has left my body – I’ll be my old sparkling self, inspiring and full of kindness and love.

Watch this space!

Dog business

I know, it’s been a long time since I sat down and wrote a blog. Not sure why I won’t take time for blogging, usually. I’ve got a kind of blockage with writing. In my head there is so much going on all the time, and in my mind I’m expressing lots of things, but when I sit down, it’s all gone, and my mind goes blank.

So many things happened in the past few months.

The most devastating experience was the death of my wonderful bitch Jo, only 7 years old, on the 28th of June 2013. She ran full speed into a closed glass door, wanting to help me chase a chicken off the flower pot (I had banged on the door, she understood ‘go’). I had forgotten that she would want to help me with this task. It was in our new house, and she probably was not familiar with it yet. First we kind of laughed, but it didn’t take long that she showed signs of concussion. She went downhill from there. After three weeks of ups and downs (mostly downs), the vet suggested we should put her down. Lacking pet insurance and a sufficient budget, we could not afford to pay for diagnostics or an operation. We decided to end her suffering, and she died from an injection, her little cute head in my hands, me talking to her calmingly, looking into her eyes, my husband’s hand on her back. Life left her body within seconds. I lost my best friend, my baby, my comfort and joy.

It is true that writing brings one in contact with one’s emotions. I realise I’m not over it. I miss this great little dog, that had such a huge personality, so much.

We still had Charlie, her son. That was in a way comforting, but also reminding us of Jo all the time. He had to get used to being alone now, when we were at work. I don’t think he was happy; he was not as happy as he used to be. I hated his expression when I left him every morning, as if he was asking: “Why are you leaving me alone?”

We hardly got a break. Only a week later Charlie was bitten by a Husky, while he was with his “Every-other-weekend”-family, and he was badly wounded in his left back leg.

The whole dog experience was devastating and draining. It was also not good for our finances. We struggled a lot and still do.

Charlie recovered within the next 4 weeks and is now fine again, fortunately.

But more happened with regard to dog business.

While we were on holiday, we received a text from Charlie’s “Every-other-weekend”-family, asking whether they could adopt him. Boom! Even though it didn’t come unexpected, it hit us more than we thought. Charlie would get the opportunity to become a therapeutic school dog with the mother of that family. He would gain a family with four children still living in the household who all adore him. We talked a lot, we slept over it. And in the end, after about two weeks, we felt we would enjoy the new freedom this would give us, knowing that our dog would have it even better at his new place. We agreed; and he is gone now.

And here I am, grieving again. This time self-inflicted. But at the same time I feel the joy of this new chapter in our lives, my husband’s and mine. Charlie left a hole. And I’m not quite filling it yet. But I get spells of happiness that I now can do whatever I want with my free time. When I get that feeling of guilt, I remind myself that our dog is young and adaptable. He loves that other family and he is loved to bits and to pieces. And he might bring a lot of joy and happiness into young people’s lives at school – if he passes his exams. We’ve done the right thing. I know it.

The other thing I/we had to deal with is the criticism from our grown-up children (five of them). Some accepted our decision quite easily, some took it quite hard. I became very aware that we took a decision that hurt our children, and that we will have to live with the feeling of having caused them grief, especially so quickly after Jo’s death. I am very proud to say that they all decided to let Charlie go and support us. We are blessed with wonderful children.

I leave it here for now. All of a sudden I could write and write and write.

For next time: I’d like to share what happened job-wise and how my talk at the YES group went.

Bless you all! xXx

Mood swings

I know I shouldn’t be moody. I have healthy children, a happy marriage, a house with garden, a lovely job, potential to grow, a future (at least I think so), my parents are still alive (and together), I’m fairly healthy, my credit hasn’t run out and I have wonderful friends. What more can I wish for??!!

Still – I was moody during the last three days, starting on a sunny Sunday midday. God knows why. I don’t. I became a nagging, unsatisfied, grumbling monster, and I have no bloomin’ clue why.

Yes, there are a few things, when I think about it:

  • I still don’t earn enough money in my new career
  • I don’t see enough increase of money on my account, although I just recently worked on the issue of wealth and money (why do I not win the flippin’ lottery??)
  • My 18 year-old is becoming headstrong and I’m running out of threads
  • I know I have a house and I’m grateful, but I don’t like it and want to move into a new one, but my partner doesn’t feel the same
  • My negative thinking is in the way all the time
  • My thinking anyway just never stops
  • I’ve run out of space on my computer
  • I’m sick of having a non-family person in our house that wears my shoes and talks back to me willfully when I want something to be done in the house
  • I better stop here, I’m feeling sick from all this negativity

Okay – Let me turn this around:

  • I always have enough money on my account and my new career is taking off. I will clearly see that when I look back in two years
  • There is the right time for wealth in my life, and I trust it is being worked at right now
  • My daughter is healthy, strong and self confident. I accept that living together is sometimes challenging and stay calm at any time
  • Our new house is waiting to be found by us, and it is the perfect home for both of us. My husband wants me to be happy, therefore he is taking this challenging step with me
  • I am such a positive person, I spread it like a shower of light all the time
  • I meditate regularly and my mind clears and calms
  • My computer serves me well, and freeing up space is easy
  • It is a blessing to have the non-family person in our house. I can learn so much from having them, and they are my mirror
  • I feel so much better already

🙂 A huge smile to all of my followers 🙂

Oh, and ….

… thanks, Universe, that I can always turn around my bad moods 😉