negative thoughts

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My work life

I’m at home with a sniffy nose, a lot of coughing, a painful stomach and a headache. I chose not to go to work this morning. I always think I should not call in sick – feeling guilty and full of shame for being not well. Anybody else feeling like that? Also, when I’m ill, I feel so very ill and so very upset and low.

Anyway, I wanted to write about my work life.

2 years I’ve been with this department now. The time for change has come, ….. I thought. I’ve just had a radical haircut, which is usually an indicator for change in my life. Two years is enough. Isn’t it? No, don’t get me wrong. I love (most of) my colleagues, and (most of) my job. It doesn’t pay very well, but – compared to other reception/admin jobs – it pays pretty well. There is no obvious reason why I should leave. Well – that’s not quite true. It’s the city I’ve got to commute to and from; it’s loud and full of tourists and students – overcrowded, I’d call it. At least I’ve changed to three full days from five half days. But still, a minimum of 2 hours commute on a work day? Okay, it gives me time to read (on the bus). And – really – an hour to work is not that bad. Is it? It’s like I’m looking for a good enough reason to change jobs. My husband calls me a job junky. I think he’s right. Maybe I’m just addicted to changing jobs after it has become routine. Maybe I’m just addicted to change anyway???

I’ve been looking, locally, but nothing compares to my current position, neither the pay rates nor the stuff I’d have to do to earn my wages. And – will I ever find such a lovely team of colleagues again? I’d be taking quite a risk.

There’s something else bugging me, if I’m honest. When I came to this country, in the beginning of 2005, I did not intend to work in admin much longer. I’d had enough of it when I left Germany. I actually hated being a PA/secretary/admin assistant. The whole admin crap – I didn’t want it anymore. And here I am – still doing admin. I wanted to be a full-time therapist. That’s what I wanted. In eight years I have not managed to earn a living from being a therapist. I am now not earning a living from anything I do. The part-time job in admin doesn’t pay enough to live – at least not in an independent way. I’m contributing to the bills, that’s it. The other days I’m spending hours and hours trying to get my name out there and trying to convince the public that constellations are fantastic and that I am a great therapist.

Drawing a balance: I failed.

Is that the deeper reason I’m at home, feeling pretty grim? I think I feel sorry for myself. Yes. I feel sorry for myself. “Poor little Silvia! You are a loser! Let’s face it. But I do feel sorry for you, I really do.” Is that what I need?

Wuh, – – – wait!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I am not a loser. And I have not failed. Let’s face THAT, shall we?

I have changed jobs a lot, because I was never happy in them. I finally found a job, in which I am feeling happy enough to stay. I may only contribute to the bills and not earn enough to make a living, but I could if I wanted to. I don’t need to earn more than I currently do, because my husband and I have an arrangement. More than the income I need the time to build my therapeutic practice. And that is what the 2 other workdays are dedicated to.

I learned a lot on my way, and I learned that it is important to give energy into the things I’d like to grow. I also learned that I have most of my energy in the mornings. I know I haven’t made a rocket start; I’ve taken – I had to take – the little side roads, and I still am. On the way, I got to know exciting, supportive people, and slowly but surely I’ve been getting my name out there and still am. Don’t forget: I had to adapt to a new country. I left all my friends and family behind and had to start all over again. I’ve built friendships, strengthened my relationship, was a mother and bonus-mother to five children. I fostered two young people and I looked after dogs. I simply had no time to make a rocket start.

I know what it is: I’m sitting in this space that is empty. My kids are no longer here, the dogs are gone, too. I caught a bug. I’m feeling crap. That’s why I get this sense of emptiness. I misinterpreted it as failure.

I’m not failing. I never failed. I only ever did as best as I knew at the time.

There is so much to learn, still. But I’m on my way. I may not be the rocket therapist, but I may be the one who has been there, done that. And – once this bug has left my body – I’ll be my old sparkling self, inspiring and full of kindness and love.

Watch this space!

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Mood swings

I know I shouldn’t be moody. I have healthy children, a happy marriage, a house with garden, a lovely job, potential to grow, a future (at least I think so), my parents are still alive (and together), I’m fairly healthy, my credit hasn’t run out and I have wonderful friends. What more can I wish for??!!

Still – I was moody during the last three days, starting on a sunny Sunday midday. God knows why. I don’t. I became a nagging, unsatisfied, grumbling monster, and I have no bloomin’ clue why.

Yes, there are a few things, when I think about it:

  • I still don’t earn enough money in my new career
  • I don’t see enough increase of money on my account, although I just recently worked on the issue of wealth and money (why do I not win the flippin’ lottery??)
  • My 18 year-old is becoming headstrong and I’m running out of threads
  • I know I have a house and I’m grateful, but I don’t like it and want to move into a new one, but my partner doesn’t feel the same
  • My negative thinking is in the way all the time
  • My thinking anyway just never stops
  • I’ve run out of space on my computer
  • I’m sick of having a non-family person in our house that wears my shoes and talks back to me willfully when I want something to be done in the house
  • I better stop here, I’m feeling sick from all this negativity

Okay – Let me turn this around:

  • I always have enough money on my account and my new career is taking off. I will clearly see that when I look back in two years
  • There is the right time for wealth in my life, and I trust it is being worked at right now
  • My daughter is healthy, strong and self confident. I accept that living together is sometimes challenging and stay calm at any time
  • Our new house is waiting to be found by us, and it is the perfect home for both of us. My husband wants me to be happy, therefore he is taking this challenging step with me
  • I am such a positive person, I spread it like a shower of light all the time
  • I meditate regularly and my mind clears and calms
  • My computer serves me well, and freeing up space is easy
  • It is a blessing to have the non-family person in our house. I can learn so much from having them, and they are my mirror
  • I feel so much better already

🙂 A huge smile to all of my followers 🙂

Oh, and ….

… thanks, Universe, that I can always turn around my bad moods 😉

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Patterns

There is so much advice on Twitter, Facebook and LinkedIn, too much to digest it all. But now and then there are posts that really touch me. It’s usually the real life stories that move me, but I don’t find the time to read all those. It’s good to know, though, that other people seem to have similar troubles, and that I am not on my own. It also helps me to read stories about people turning around their lives – very inspiring.

Sometimes, though, it is just that little sentence or statement that turns out to be of great help to me.

Just recently, I found myself thinking those well known negative thoughts again, and I felt I was going in circles instead of moving forward. In my negative state I couldn’t imagine that breaking this pattern was ever possible – I was certainly going down the hill. Then I saw this very simple statement from Louise L Hay on Facebook, which read:

“It is easy to change a thought or a pattern.”

I read it with disbelief and a pinch of disgust, as it felt so untrue. But I know Louise L Hay from troubled days, and I remembered this was just one of her millions of positive affirmations.

This little statement turned it around for me. I decided to write it onto a piece of paper and hang it in my office onto the wall facing me. Now I see it every workday morning and it reminds me that it is my mindset that creates my reality, and that my reality is created in every moment.

Thank you Louise L Hay, for helping me and millions others to keep our minds focussed on positive thinking. I’m glad I ‘liked’ your facebook page, because I enjoy reading your affirmations every day. It might have been you (your books), which helped me turn around my chaotic life, nearly twenty years ago. I am now harvesting so many wonderful fruits like a happy marriage and being a steady, reliable partner and mum.

Life is good!

Bless you all!