It is so easy to blame the parent or parents (or anyone) for the misery we might be going through. But they did what they did with what they knew at the time. And it was what it was; there is no turning back the time. We cannot change what happened. So why resist reality? Acknowledging what was and what is, is the first step towards peace. Saying “yes” to the past is more powerful than resisting to accept it. Now, when acceptance enters our system, we can attend to those feelings we were not able to express when we were subjected to emotional and/or physical bruising. Our parents (or whoever hurt us) may still not have the skills to hold us in that pain. But we know what we needed when we were in that place. So now we make sure we give ourselves what we needed then. Step by step. Slowly and intentionally. Sometimes, this means reaching out to someone who can hold us when we’re hurting. And this is how it goes. Until we have attended to all those inner children and teenagers inside. And that can take a lifetime. And that is okay.
Whilst agreeing with the statement above, I believe that we still hold a form of inner relationship with family members, whether we like it or not. In my experience it is helpful to work on those uncomfortable relationships, because the negativity or abuse that came from them towards us will have been internalised during the years we had endure it. Until we have made peace with them within us, we will be triggered by the people who act like those family members. We’ll simply meet them or find them represented in other people we meet and have relationships with. So, yes, turning away or not interacting with those family members who continually agonise us is probably advisable, but we still need to address our internal family system in order to find peace. For that to happen we need to get to a deeper understanding, and that usually happens when we allow ourselves to see a bigger picture.
Both my parents were completely unable to regulate their own nervous systems and therefore snapped every time I stretched their patience. It did not take much to be severely punished. It still doesn’t. Through Family Constellations and other healing work I saw how they grew up, their difficult childhoods, their traumatised parents, the hardship they had to survive, I came to understand where they are coming from, and I find it much easier to be in relation with them. I just continually and consciously decide to be with them in a way they can handle. And inside of me, through all the healing I’ve done, I have been holding them with love and respect, despite their failings. That has given me so much more peace. Meeting negative behaviour or abuse from others I can handle so much better, knowing, we all have a history that made us who we are. And besides, I have in some respects failed my children too.
If you are looking for healing your inner relationship with family members, I suggest to get in touch with me for a free 20-minute chat during which we can figure out if I can help.
#selfdevelopment #familydynamics #FamilyBonds #TheTRANSFORMProcessTM
It’s not long ago that I changed my work patterns to three full days a week, instead 5 half days, mornings. But it didn’t work out. The intention had been to concentrate on my therapeutic career on Thursdays and Fridays. Not only did that lead to my department having to cope without my presence on those days, but I did not really feel I was doing more in terms of therapeutic work and networking. I felt rather lonesome and lost, but most of all: useless. It was not all bad, as I used those days to meet friends I could normally not easily meet and other things. But basically, it didn’t work. I found it very difficult to be in my admin job whole days. Anyway – from 25th Nov I’ll go back to 5 half days, mornings, with 2 additional hours weekly, which I got when I changed to 3 full days. It was good to give it a go, and it brought me a little more income, as well as awareness of where I want to go.
I’ve also been applying for full-time jobs in admin, because I felt I needed more income, and because I thought I could make better use of my people skills and have them earn money for me, rather than keeping trying to earn more with my therapy. There is this training called “Springboard” at the University of Oxford, which is only for women. It made me realise that I might be up a blind alley thinking my therapeutic work will pay the bills soon. The situation is: We’re struggling, my husband and I, financially. I’m not able to support my 1st daughter enough, financially, although, legally I’m obligated to give her six times as much as I do now, which gives me a constant sense of owing her.
Anyway – I am not successful with my applications. What’s going on?
Handing in my applications, I also put a request in with the Universe to not give me a full-time job, if it wants me to keep having time for my therapeutic work. So, I should not be taking this personally (the rejections), but I should be grateful for the hint.
So, basically, what I’m trying to say, is that I’m trying to find the right path, doing this and that to figure it all out. I feel like being in Nowhere Land, or floating in open space, not knowing which direction to take.
When I wrote the title of this post, I realised, that No-where Land could also be read as Now-here Land. That actually amazes me. I immediately felt more positive about being in that place. Both might be the same anyway. It just means I’m here now but not quite sure where. It is sometimes really difficult to stay in that place and hold still. The universe might just be preparing everything for me to move on.
Last weekend my husband and I put a conscious request to the Universe, asking for financial abundance. We did this in a group workshop in a lovely ritual in the woods, using a home made talisman with ingredients from the forest, burning it in the fire and sending it off into the sky, wishing it well.
So, watch this space, people. Energy follows intention. I might be ‘ending up’ quitting my admin job altogether and being really busy supporting others to find their place on this beautiful planet (and being paid for my work).
Bless all beings.
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