family dynamics

Bad relations
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Bad relations

Whilst agreeing with the statement above, I believe that we still hold a form of inner relationship with family members, whether we like it or not. In my experience it is helpful to work on those uncomfortable relationships, because the negativity or abuse that came from them towards us will have been internalised during the years we had endure it. Until we have made peace with them within us, we will be triggered by the people who act like those family members. We’ll simply meet them or find them represented in other people we meet and have relationships with. So, yes, turning away or not interacting with those family members who continually agonise us is probably advisable, but we still need to address our internal family system in order to find peace. For that to happen we need to get to a deeper understanding, and that usually happens when we allow ourselves to see a bigger picture.
Both my parents were completely unable to regulate their own nervous systems and therefore snapped every time I stretched their patience. It did not take much to be severely punished. It still doesn’t. Through Family Constellations and other healing work I saw how they grew up, their difficult childhoods, their traumatised parents, the hardship they had to survive, I came to understand where they are coming from, and I find it much easier to be in relation with them. I just continually and consciously decide to be with them in a way they can handle. And inside of me, through all the healing I’ve done, I have been holding them with love and respect, despite their failings. That has given me so much more peace. Meeting negative behaviour or abuse from others I can handle so much better, knowing, we all have a history that made us who we are. And besides, I have in some respects failed my children too.

If you are looking for healing your inner relationship with family members, I suggest to get in touch with me for a free 20-minute chat during which we can figure out if I can help.

#selfdevelopment #familydynamics #FamilyBonds #TheTRANSFORMProcessTM

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My first Vlog – “Constellations”

My brief explanation of the word “Constellations” and how it works

There will be more … I will explain in more detail how it works and how it can help. So, watch this space.

Namaste.

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An Interview With Albrecht Mahr, International Family Constellations Teacher

Rubin Alaie posted this video on his Facebook Timeline (when you click the link below, the video starts playing):

https://www.facebook.com/plugins/video.php?href=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2Finstituut.UNLP%2Fvideos%2Fvb.169228563184269%2F1171588252948290%2F%3Ftype%3D3&show_text=0&width=560

The original was posted here: https://www.facebook.com/instituut.UNLP/

Albrecht Mahr explains this approach, his experience with Family Constellations, the history and the development. He is one of the leading teachers in the Constellations World. It’s just over half an hour long and very interesting.

Blessings,
Silvia

 

Who is Silvia Siret?
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Who is Silvia Siret?

I am Silvia and I offer clarity coaching, free talks on Emotional Well-being and Moving away from Pain and facilitate Systemic Constellation Workshops, as well giving as guidance and hosting sessions on Mindfulness and Meditation.

I was born in 1966 as the first of two children in Germany. I am a happy and content individual today with harmonious family, friend and business relationships. That was not always so. Here’s a little bit of my history:

Childhood

My mother was quite young when she had me: 20 years old only. My only sibling, a brother, was born two years after me.

My mum is a dominant character and my father could suddenly be quite threatening and, being nagged enough, even become violent. I grew up with a lot of tension within my family and generally felt pressed into a mould. Often, I was not allowed to be myself and certainly missed being appreciated and loved unconditionally (I know I’m not an exception). Fear of punishment drove me to being a ‘good girl’ most of the time. I was often beaten and not allowed my own opinion. It was not all horrible, though. All in all, it was probably a good childhood. There were times when I was my mother’s best friend and we had a good laugh together, and I always loved my parents and brother to bits (and still do).

My outward relationship with my dad was ruled by my mum. She would always try to pull me onto her side in a conflict situation and tell me things about him that I didn’t want to know. If I took sides with my dad she would become hysterical. I always tried to be a mediator but not sure I ever succeeded.

I am a very sensitive, emotional and empathic, touchy-feely kind of person, which is all my parents and brother are not (on the outside). At the same time I have a strong will and am quite passionate, which got me into trouble loads of times.

Breaking free from childhood

From the age of 16 – becoming an opinionated teenager with some more guts – my relationship with my mother became more and more difficult. I wanted to break free as soon as I possibly could, which is why I finished school after what was called O-levels in the UK (or GCSEs these days), in order to learn a profession and be able to support myself. At that age I started smoking and missing college and surrounded myself with the more naughty kind of youngsters.

First love

At 19 I passionately fell in love and shortly after left home to live in my first own appartment. I was in an apprenticeship as a legal secretary. My relationship with my mum relaxed a bit but ever so often we would clash and I would storm out and have no contact for a while.

Trauma / meeting father of 1st child

At 21 my first big love finished with me, and my world totally crashed. I lost every self confidence and started dating men. Very quickly I moved in with a man, but moved out after only half a year. Shortly after I fell for a man who later would become my worst enemy. I remember seeing all the signs right from the first date, but I closed my eyes to them. I just wanted to be loved.

1st daughter / separation from parents / re-connection with parents / separation from father of 1st child

At 24 I had a daughter with this man (we did not get married). At the time I had no contact with my parents, the father of my child wouldn’t allow it. My parents got to know their first grandchild when it was 8 months old. I re-connected with them after having had some counselling. When my first child was 1.5 years old its father reported me as a neglecting mother, which made me pack my bags and my child and move back in with my parents, who at that point owned a house with enough room for us.

Back at home, the old family patterns kicked in, and it was hell for me. After a very short time I found an appartment – and another relationship – both advertised in the same paper. I moved into that apartment for only half a year before I moved in with the new partner, being pregnant again.

First marriage, 2nd child

At 27 we married and had my second daughter, and for a little while I thought everything was good.

At 29, though, I separated from the father of my second child and in the same year let my first child move in with its dad. My self-confidence was non-existant at that point, and I did the only right thing: I went to a GP and had myself transfered to a mother-and-child psychological residential resort for three weeks (we call it ‘cure’ in Germany).

Self development

I think that was the beginning of reflection and self development for me, and – maybe for the first time in my life – I felt nourished, accepted, respected, cared for and listened to.

Shortly after that I got to know a body worker, who suggested to attend a self development seminar with Klaus Frey (New Ways Seminars, Baden-Baden, Germany, see: www.neuewege.de). After that first seminar, called ‘Initiative’, I quite quickly attended the second, which is called ‘Charisma’ and the third, called ‘Excellence’. Klaus Frey became my guide – I guess I saw a father figure in him. I started then a 1.5 year training called ‘Leadership and personal competence’ and became his assistant in the next training.

Separation from my first daughter

When my first daughter was nearly 8, she decided she didn’t want any contact with me anymore, and I eventually – under pressure – voluntarily gave up custody for her. She was brain-washed from an early age on by her father. She was not allowed to love me. I was the enemy.

Second marriage / separation / another new start

Around that time, at 32 I got to know my second husband through an online dating page and moved in with him quite quickly. We separated when I was about 36, and I moved into an apartment with my second daughter. At that point I had learnt a lot about myself, who I was and who I wanted to be, and I was becoming a therapist alongside working in admin.

Training

During my training with Klaus Frey, I also trained with Regina Heckert, a tantra teacher and family constellation work facilitator, and with Joergen Moerck from Denmark, who tought me my special and unique body work, called ‘BE – The healing continuum of nature’, which derived from ‘Body Harmony‘ (founder: Don McFarland).

My life-changing visit to England

In 2013, when I was 37, I visited my old English friend, whom I got to know in Germany when our children went to Kindergarten together (that was in 1994). At the time, she was spending a lot of time with her brother, as they were both single and had three children each. We were introduced, fell in love; and a year later, in February 2005, I moved in with him in a village in Oxfordshire.

I came here as a Life Coach, wanting to establish Family Constellation Work in Oxfordshire. But life circumstances didn’t allow me to start this venture before late 2010.

I worked as an administrator, administrative assistant and PA, sourcing co-ordinator, sales-assistant and receptionist. Alongside my working in admin, I trained as a counsellor at the Oxford & Cherwell Valley College (OCVC).

Re-connection with my first child

In 2005 I re-connected with my daughter, fortunately she was ready to talk to me again – she was nearing 15. Since, we have re-established a strong bond between us, although she still has problems to let me be close to her. She studies at University in Germany.

3rd marriage / new life

In August 2008 I married my wonderful English man. I finally broke the pattern of being with a partner for only up to three years.

I now help individuals and couples to reach their highest potential.

I was attuned to Reiki, Level 2, in 2014.

I am now also a trained co-counsellor with CCI (Co-Counselling International) and am doing my counselling diploma.

My vision is supporting young people at a school or college as a school counsellor.

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My Oxford YES Group talk and Demonstration

Talking to my friend and business coach Joanna Byrne yesterday over a lovely cup of tea at Rosie’s Tea Room, I had to realise that I haven’t reflected on this very exciting and moving experience in my life, that happened a few weeks ago. She said “It’s never too late!”, which convinced me I could still tell you all about it.

Weeks and days before the Oxford Yes Group talk, I was unexpectedly calm and wondered about that, thinking “I should be nervous”. Now I think, I pushed my feelings away, even the thought about it. The nervousness came full-on on the morning of the day I should give my talk and had the roller-coaster feeling in my tummy all day and most of the evening. I hadn’t prepared myself at all, as I had given a talk before and I knew I could do it – somehow. I hate preparing a talk. I’ve done it last time, and in the end my notes were really just in the way. I prefer to talk from my experience and my heart.

When I arrived, I felt a warm welcome from the Oxford YES Group members. I had my daughter and my friend with me, which made me feel safer. At first only a few people entered the space, but closer to the beginning of the event, the room was nearly full – my heart was bouncing with joy and excitement. I was also pleased to see my friend Jo Woodcock from Fe-line Women, who has been a great supporter through the past years and really is the person who helped me push myself to speaking publicly and gave me the first opportunity to do this at one of her great Word of Mouth events.

Even though I was nervous and not very well prepared at all, I think I did a fairly good job at explaining the work by starting on my personal experience as a child and youngster (although I should have told them why I was talking about that part of my life – I saw some puzzled faces). I went on bringing light into constellation work and how it relates to my own experience as a young person and how it helped me healing my issues and becoming the captain of my boat. It was great that questions were asked in order to clarify things. This made me aware of the difficulty of explaining constellation work, as it is very experiential and intuitive stuff.

The audience seemed really engaged and interested, and they didn’t run away screeming when the break started, even though I threatened to offer a demonstration of a constellation for the 2nd part of my presentation.

For the demonstration the room was kindly changed by the YES crew, the chairs were put into a big circle. When everybody was back on their seats, I guided them all into a very short grounding meditation in order to get them into a collected, supportive state of being. I then asked for a volunteer, and soon somebody raised their hand. That was indeed very exciting, as I had not expected that anyone would come forward to do such deep and intimate work in front of so many ‘strangers’.

And then something happened that is still bringing a smile to my face: A family constellation formed that was giving such deep insight and turned out to be so powerful that all our minds were blown away. I received amazing feedback and made lovely connections as a result, and I think that the person who did their constellation on that evening, got a great deal out of it. I would love to go into more detail, but of course this is sensitive stuff and what happened will always stay only with the people involved. But I would like to say that I was truly touched and moved by the sincere, supportive involvement of all participants and the fantastic Oxford YES team. I’d also like to mention that my daughter, who for the first time saw me perform in the role of the facilitator and speaker was amazed by both my professionalism and the power of constellation work. She observed it all and gave me such valuable feedback, also on the way I could improve my talk. She felt really proud of her mum, which makes my heart swell and pour over with love and gratitude.

I feel, my talk and demonstration were a huge success, and I can’t wait to give further presentations of this unique, powerful, fantastic work called Systemic Constellations (or Family Constellations).

Bless all Beings x*X*x

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Children & trauma

My youngest daughter was only two years old when within a few months only her dad had to leave us and her adored and much loved big (5 year old, half-) sister left us to live with her dad (which wasn’t my youngest daughter’s dad). It came as a big shock and could not be digested by my little girl. It got stuck in her system as a trauma. At one point she started shouting and screaming at night while she was sleeping and would not be touched or calmed down. Those ‘attacks’ lasted for a good half hour or longer. I had – at the time – no idea why and felt completly helpless with the situation.

A little later, at a women-and-children’s clinic, I learnt to just be there until the attacks finished. I was advised to stay calm and keep still, which would eventually affect my child. During the stay in that clinic I learnt a lot about myself, my situation and received a huge amount of loving care from the therapists and nurses. Therapy showed me that I was a child in need, too, and that I had to learn to give myself those things I was missing. I had to understand that I would never get what I needed from my parents, as childhood was over, and my parents wouldn’t change just because I wanted them to.

After a few months of many sleepless nights with screaming attacks, my daughter slept through the nights again. I understand that she had to get the anger and frustration, as well as the feeling of being powerless, out of her system.

The trauma, though, was still there, and she developed many different kinds of symptoms during childhood that had to be dealt with. My oldest daughter was influenced against me and everybody in my family, so there was no contact for many years. My girls were separated.

One day, when my youngest was about 9 years old, she told me how angry she felt that her sister didn’t want to have contact with us and expressed her disagreement very emotionally – she was furious. I decided to use my family constellation skills on the kitchen table using jam jars, cups and glasses. I placed our situation using those cups and glasses and made them representatives of our family system by giving them names and positions and let my daughter take over to change and move them where she wanted them to be. My clever little girl knew exactly how the different people in our system felt in the different positions.

During this ‘constellation’ it became clear to my daughter that her sister was meant to be with her dad and that she just wasn’t able to contact us, although she really wanted to. She understood that everything was as it had to be. I was astonished how clearly she saw what was really going on and how the dynamics worked. This new insight gave her some peace and understanding, and from that day on she never questioned the situation again, she accepted it and kept hoping that things would change for the better (which they did eventually). She kept a loving contact in her heart and sent postcards and little messages now and then to let her sister know that she still loved her and would always be there for her. The same did I. And we often sat together, looked at older photos of my oldest and sent her good thoughts and wishes from our hearts. It was always very emotional but good for both our minds and souls.

Two years later we were ‘re-united’ after seven years, although my oldest daughter decided to stay at her dad’s in Germany. But we were back in contact, and we were re-bonding and have been doing so since.

I am convinced that family constellation work is a wonderful and powerful tool to help children (from a certain age) and adults to understand and accept their situation, find peace and even solutions.

I could not avoid my children getting hurt, as at the time I didn’t know better. But I was able to address my issues and heal myself in order to become a better parent. I see it as my duty to be the person in my children’s life they can rely on one hundred percent. I see it as my duty to be an example, because I know they look to me first.

As a constellator and grown-up I know how much my children want me to be happy and content, and that they would give their lives to take my pain from me. Therefore I am constantly making sure that I am happy and content.

Both my daughters carry the burden of their own heart breaks, which I am responsible for. But I have forgiven myself for causing pain and confusion, because I know I didn’t know what I was doing and I was in pain and I was confused myself.