Stuff that moves me

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Failure

Should I feel a failure because my workshop didn’t happen for the lack of participants?

No worries! I’m not asking for pity.

I refuse to feel a failure – some entity inside tells me I can do it but it wasn’t the right time. The feeling of being a loser does still come up when I find myself unsuccessful of achieving what I aimed for; also, I feel a little sad and impatient. But something else happens very quickly afterwards these days: I know that I can not see the bigger picture, especially not when I feel down and unworthy. I remember that difficult times have always made me stronger and led to something bigger, better. I simply accept that it is not the time to experience this kind of success. And: Most importantly, I have a fantastic social network which makes sure I don’t get lost in self pity.

So, my workshop didn’t take place. But: I am blessed having had it booked with somebody who wouldn’t charge me for the room. It was a beautiful, sunny day; I had my two daughters with me (doesn’t happen very often) and my husband. And my wonderful, supportive and devoted friend – who had booked a place on my workshop – came anyway to spend the day with us. We went for a pub lunch in Oxford at The Jolly Farmers and laughed a lot and ate a wonderful meal.

I fail. But that doesn’t make me a loser or a failure.

I am successful. Whenever I get the opportunity to work with a person, I feel successful.

Life is beautiful.

Thought, I also start sharing my photos with you. So here is one:

You never know what’s round the corner. In the meantime, see the beauty that shows itself to you.

Bless u all!

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My work

Hello – long time no see 😉

Last Monday I expected four participants at my taster session. One came. But never mind, I was grateful for the one – and therefore I offered her a free constellation session with me, which would normally cost £65. She was happy to work with me. The session went really well, and I felt both grateful and humble for receiving such trust and openness as well as the willingness to really address an issue. Today, I received such a lovely feedback, that I thought I’d share it with you (why not):

“Silvia holds a space that is warm and welcoming, and her work, about which she is clearly so passionate, digs deep into the heart of our histories, karma, and conditioning. She deals in perspectives, windows into ourselves, into our past, into the scars handed down from our forebears, windows that allow us to find clarity and experience catharsis beneath her compassionate guidance. Intuitive, gentle, and so very welcoming, I can recommend her work for anyone seeking to better understand their unconscious self, and take trans-formative steps towards personal freedom and empowerment. I left the session feeling lighter, a little wiser, and hugely appreciative of this lovely woman!”

Thank you for that! Thank you, thank you!

I know I am passionate about my work, and I know that this is where home is. But it is still so very lovely to get such feedback. I am truly touched!

Anyway – maybe that will encourage you Oxfordshire and Wiltshire (and all other) people to come to my Systemic Constellations Workshop on Saturday 22nd September (10am-5pm). All details on my ‘workshops‘ page.

So, that’s what I wanted to share with you today. Oh, and – I’m going to be on the ‘panel’ of next Fe-line Women’s “Word of Mouth”, which will be about “To blog or not to blog“. I am certainly not a great example of blogging, but I do believe it’s a good thing, and I (and a few other lovely ladies) will tell you why, when we see each other on the 25th September at 7:30 pm at the Pub “Port Mahon” in Oxford (Details: http://fe-line.co.uk/events/to-blog-or-not-to-blog/).

Hope you can make it, Women of Oxford!

Bless you all xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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A lost friend

I distanced myself from my closest friend half a year ago. The realisation of not having this relationship anymore comes in little, painful steps. Soon, I’m going to visit the town where she lives. Normally I would now make arrangements to see her and I would get all excited about it. She felt more like a sister to me. When I saw her the first time it was like a reunion. That was about eighteen years ago. I just fell in love with her – her looks, her energy, her aura, her innocence. I could talk with her like with no-one else. She knew everything about me, and I’m sure I knew more than anybody else. The only thing was, that it was always a bit one-sided in terms of putting effort in keeping and maintaining this relationship. The balance wasn’t right. Often I would call her many times before she would call me, or I would invite her so much more often than I was invited back, especially when her family was involved. I often felt abandoned, left out. When she was in love she would make herself very rare, and I would not be the first to know either. I’m sure she loved me in her own way, though, and had her reasons to act like she did.

The last few years I was more of a listener and supporter to her, as she was going through a never-ending crisis with her husband. I would call her minimum once a week to find out how she was and would listen to the same story again and again. Last summer I met her and told her that I felt our friendship was a bit one-sided and that I wished she would sometimes want to listen to me, too. She hadn’t realised I had been feeling like this and apologised, and we spoke about me for a change. She is a good listener, too, and it helped me to talk about my experience and short comings. I thought, our relationship was going to be more balanced from then on. I spent a lot of time with her during my stay.

One day I bumped into her husband, when I visited her at home, quite unexpectedly. I thought he should have gone to work by the time I arrived. I wanted to avoid him, knowing what I knew about him. But there he was, saying a friendly ‘hello, how are you’ to me, so I answered back friendly and asked him about his work, as nothing else seemed to come to my mind – Small Talk. Unfortunately, I hadn’t realised how sensitive this topic was for my friend. A minute into him talking about his job my friend interrupted him harshly and reminded him that he should know that his job arrangements (working away 4 days a week) were a big cause of the troubles they had, and that he should kindly not talk as if everything was alright. Before they could go into an argument, I said: “Stop, I’m sorry, but if you are going to have a domestic, I’d rather stay out of it.” He got up and left quite quickly after that. I didn’t think much of it, although I did see my friend was a bit stressed, especially with her two young children afterwards. We had quite a nice time together, and I stayed over and spent the morning with her, having breakfast, before I left.

A few weeks later I received an email from her, in which she accused me of having been insensitive when I had started talking about his job with her husband and not sticking up for her when she had a go at him. She felt betrayed. I could not believe what I read. Reading that felt like a stab in the back. That was too much for me, that tipped the boat over. I was furious, and as a result we had a rather nasty email exchange, which felt like poking in each others wounds. I wanted to hurt her.

Why did I do that. Why? I should have just apologised to her about my thoughtless conversation with her husband. Instead I stood my grounds and explained what happened for me in that situation and that I didn’t see myself doing anything wrong or selling her out. Does it matter, who is right? We were not able to leave it at that and move on. She kept her emails short – I was writing essays. At one point, I realised this was so going nowhere. I decided to distance myself from her. I felt not acknowledged and not seen as the person and true friend I thought I was.

But since, I have been grieving and missing her so much at times. It is a big loss and I don’t feel like having benefited from my telling her my ‘truth’. I think about her often, and there are times when I am very close to writing an email to her or calling her. I looked her up on Google and found she had opened her own practice as a complementary therapist. I thought: “Wow! Finally, she’s done it.” (she had been talking about wanting to do it for such a long time, I had actually lost faith). And I felt happy for her. I sent a message on Facebook about my discovery, hoping her daughter, who’s connected with me there and might see my post, would tell her about my wishing her well.

When I think about it now, I know that our friendship, as it was, belongs to the past and is an example of a rather neurotic one. I needed her more than she me, or maybe in a different way. Maybe one day our paths cross again. I think I would like that.

In the meantime, I feel I need to do some forgiveness work. But – to be honest – I am quite stuck with this issue and will most certainly need some help from a systemic constellator or a psychodrama facilitator, in order to clearly see what is going on underneath; but mostly in order to step into her shoes. But I won’t touch the topic for a while. It scares me like hell.

Farewell, my friend, my soul sister! I miss u. There is no replacement and never will be. I will try and keep the good memories alive, and maybe one day I will go to you with an open heart and try to re-connect. Or, maybe you will?

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Mood swings

I know I shouldn’t be moody. I have healthy children, a happy marriage, a house with garden, a lovely job, potential to grow, a future (at least I think so), my parents are still alive (and together), I’m fairly healthy, my credit hasn’t run out and I have wonderful friends. What more can I wish for??!!

Still – I was moody during the last three days, starting on a sunny Sunday midday. God knows why. I don’t. I became a nagging, unsatisfied, grumbling monster, and I have no bloomin’ clue why.

Yes, there are a few things, when I think about it:

  • I still don’t earn enough money in my new career
  • I don’t see enough increase of money on my account, although I just recently worked on the issue of wealth and money (why do I not win the flippin’ lottery??)
  • My 18 year-old is becoming headstrong and I’m running out of threads
  • I know I have a house and I’m grateful, but I don’t like it and want to move into a new one, but my partner doesn’t feel the same
  • My negative thinking is in the way all the time
  • My thinking anyway just never stops
  • I’ve run out of space on my computer
  • I’m sick of having a non-family person in our house that wears my shoes and talks back to me willfully when I want something to be done in the house
  • I better stop here, I’m feeling sick from all this negativity

Okay – Let me turn this around:

  • I always have enough money on my account and my new career is taking off. I will clearly see that when I look back in two years
  • There is the right time for wealth in my life, and I trust it is being worked at right now
  • My daughter is healthy, strong and self confident. I accept that living together is sometimes challenging and stay calm at any time
  • Our new house is waiting to be found by us, and it is the perfect home for both of us. My husband wants me to be happy, therefore he is taking this challenging step with me
  • I am such a positive person, I spread it like a shower of light all the time
  • I meditate regularly and my mind clears and calms
  • My computer serves me well, and freeing up space is easy
  • It is a blessing to have the non-family person in our house. I can learn so much from having them, and they are my mirror
  • I feel so much better already

🙂 A huge smile to all of my followers 🙂

Oh, and ….

… thanks, Universe, that I can always turn around my bad moods 😉

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Patterns

There is so much advice on Twitter, Facebook and LinkedIn, too much to digest it all. But now and then there are posts that really touch me. It’s usually the real life stories that move me, but I don’t find the time to read all those. It’s good to know, though, that other people seem to have similar troubles, and that I am not on my own. It also helps me to read stories about people turning around their lives – very inspiring.

Sometimes, though, it is just that little sentence or statement that turns out to be of great help to me.

Just recently, I found myself thinking those well known negative thoughts again, and I felt I was going in circles instead of moving forward. In my negative state I couldn’t imagine that breaking this pattern was ever possible – I was certainly going down the hill. Then I saw this very simple statement from Louise L Hay on Facebook, which read:

“It is easy to change a thought or a pattern.”

I read it with disbelief and a pinch of disgust, as it felt so untrue. But I know Louise L Hay from troubled days, and I remembered this was just one of her millions of positive affirmations.

This little statement turned it around for me. I decided to write it onto a piece of paper and hang it in my office onto the wall facing me. Now I see it every workday morning and it reminds me that it is my mindset that creates my reality, and that my reality is created in every moment.

Thank you Louise L Hay, for helping me and millions others to keep our minds focussed on positive thinking. I’m glad I ‘liked’ your facebook page, because I enjoy reading your affirmations every day. It might have been you (your books), which helped me turn around my chaotic life, nearly twenty years ago. I am now harvesting so many wonderful fruits like a happy marriage and being a steady, reliable partner and mum.

Life is good!

Bless you all!

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New attitude

I have been working on my self-image during the past three months. Not only have I been seeing my mentor (Martin Honeywell, Oxford) once a month and started a 6-month health coaching, but also have I painfully felt my lack of self-value, sat in meditation with those feelings, spoken about it with other people, reflected on it during workshops and done a constellation on wealth/money (which, amongst other things, brought up the issue about self value). I have been finding myself thinking negativ thoughts about my self and correcting them but also getting to the bottom of them, and I’ve been asking for feedback and cuddles/hugs from others to nurture my self. I’ve been looking into the mirror, trying to focus on the beautiful details of me reflecting from the mirror, and I have smiled a lot, especially when I didn’t feel like it.

The most rewarding and enriching thing I did, though, was to carry the positive me into my outside world – to my family, friends, colleagues, to my social networks, like the Fe-line Women’s network in Oxford, Facebook, Twitter and LinkedIn. What I have been receiving from this new way of feeling and presenting my self, goes beyond what I expected.

I am far away from not thinking negative thoughts, but I am more and more aware of them and correcting them, which has enhanced the quality of my life immensly. I am a better parent, partner, colleague and friend, and I have a much better relationship with myself.

Letting praise in and positive feedback is still a challenge for me, I find myself questioning it (“why is she/are they saying it – what do they want in return, are they just being nice?”). But I am getting better at it. The more I appreciate my self, the more I am being appreciated by the outside world – and able to let it in. And that applies to everything I am giving.

The world that I see is my mirror, it’s the mirror of my thoughts and beliefs about my self and the world.

I’ve also been listening to the Audiobook “The Power” by Rhonda Byrne (following her book ‘The Secret‘). I am recommending it to all people who truly feel they want to change. This book can change you (if you let it) – it’s like a positive mantra or affirmation to become the person you really are and that you deserve to be.

Another key to feeling really good – especially on a rainy or for other reasons rather unhappy day – is to stop and think about the good things you have in your life and feel immensly grateful for them. It’s truly uplifting.

Love to my self and the Universe!

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Self esteem

I saw my mentor today. He felt slightly irritated about me feeling great every time I’m seeing him, and his view of me was that of a very busy woman being all over the place and at the same time appearing quite calm all the time. He must have sensed something else, something going on underneath that self-confident woman, especially when it came to the topic ‘money’. Building up my business means I have to apply a value to my work. I have always had an issue with money – I can’t remember feeling rich or well off, ever, or being able to receive money without feeling guilty. I always had this view of myself being a poor church mouse, and that this might possibly never change. I always think of myself not being able to ask for real money for my service. Am I worth it? Am I allowing myself to be successful, wealthy, better of than my parents, am I allowed to fail if I ask for real money? Today, being confronted with those questions, I suddenly became that – maybe – 13 year-old girl again, that was constantly being told she wasn’t good enough, had to change, had to do better, was inappropriate, wouldn’t achieve anything in life etc. I felt tearful, small, but also touched by this young spirited girl, who just did not get the assurance that she needed to become self-confident or build self esteem. I realised that my path was to build that up on my own by creating circumstances, which challenged me and made me reflect and grow. It actually started with my birth, when my mum had to give up and was sedated, and I was pulled out with forceps. My life, if I look back, has been a little like that. I’ve always pushed myself towards becoming a therapist, but I couldn’t do it without being pulled so often. Does it have to remain like that for the rest of my life? My mentor thinks, no. But I need to find that place in me that is able to get me where I want to be, to then fill that vacuum with self-esteem. Am I worth it? Am I valuable? Am I loveable? The only way of feeling worth it, valuable and loveable, is to re-assure myself as often as I can, that I am all that – until I feel it. The aim is to be independent from other people’s judgement about me. Isn’t it?

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Training & Education, 6th Jan

When I read interesting and successful people’s CVs on Xing.com or LinkedIn.com, it makes me feel very small and unimportant. They have all done so much more and met and trained with all the right influencial people worldwide – I just can’t compete with that. When I look at the prices of further training or interesting workshops/seminars, I can only swallow and think: “One day, …. maybe” 😦

But when I work with a client and see their releaved and grateful face after a session, I know I can do it. I can really make a difference. I received fantastic training from – what I think – very good people in their profession. They have all helped me in their different ways to get in touch with my real potential, my wisdom and to become confident in what I do. No, I can’t compete with all these high-profile people out there, who earn three times or more than I do. But should I? I guess there is no need. They don’t ask me to compete with them, do they. It’s me idealising the more successful, the higher qualified, and I know this pattern in me so well. Maybe it’s time to let go of all the competing and just do my thing – which I know I do really well and with the right spirit of mind.

There might come a day when my name is mentioned in context with Family Constellation Work. And anyway – it is fun to invent it all again – I’ll just do it my way.

Love to the Universe and everybody in it!

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First entry – 3rd Jan 2012

A new year, a new venture. I heard them saying: “You’ve got to write about all this, Silvia, it’s all interesting.” I intended to do it just before Christmas 2011, but then my daughter went into hospital, and I just didn’t find the time.

I will write about relationships, especially family relationships, at first.

So, watch this space!

Good night – for now I’ve done enough with setting up this whole WordPress thing. Got to learn as I go along. Will try my best to make this catching.

I send my love to the Universe and everybody in it!