Author: Silvia Siret - Integrative Systemic Therapist

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Healing

Hello Fellow-Healers and Supporters,

I signed up for and have now started a co-counselling training with the wonderful Celia Wilson, teacher at Co-Counselling International, and the lovely co-teacher James Nichol. Having been through coaching and counselling trainings before, I was a bit uncertain that this was the right step, as I thought I might be bored or ‘underchallenged’, but I couldn’t have been more wrong. It was the right time to do this course. I am learning different techniques and – being part of a group – experiencing new challenges and touching undiscovered emotional places. I already get a sense of also being part of a wider community, that is there to support me and to be supported by myself. This platform gives me the opportunity to not only reflect myself on a regular basis (without paying ridiculous sums of money) but also to get to know amazing, interesting people and share their and my knowledge and wisdom, and – of course – make new friends.

Last weekend was very intense; we worked from 9 am to 6 pm on Saturday and Sunday. I felt emotionally drained but at the same time totally enriched and blessed to be part of such an amazing bunch of people.

Co-counselling is for everybody. You don’t need to have a background of counselling or coaching at all. You just need to bring the need or desire for self-development. There are naturally more experienced co-counsellors (or teachers) and less experienced ones. But really – it doesn’t matter. The idea is to empty your mind and give ‘free attention’ for a set amount of time and then receive the same for the same amount of time. Intervention tools can and will be learned, but really, what you need is a listener, who gives you their unconditional regard, in order to encourage exploring hidden or covered up places in you.

You basically learn to become a wonderful listener and you learn that there is a network of people who listen to you whenever you feel the need to off-load or just talk.

I had such deep insights last weekend, that I already feel changed and transformed.

Feeling much more self-confident and having created a very powerful constellation session with friends on Monday, I have now decided to run a healing support group (see tab “What’s on?“).

I had been waiting for an impulse and the idea, what kind of group to run, and I’m glad I gave it the time it needed to show itself to me.

Good night and bless all beings!
xxxx

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Heart connection

My husband and I spent a wonderful evening amongst like-minded people, connecting with our own and each other’s hearts. It was the first of a one-monthly series of ‘Heart Support Circles‘ in Oxford, hosted by Oxford Tantra Wave; well – really hosted by Rowan Parkes. Please, don’t be put off by the word ‘Tantra’. I know that some people would not even consider taking part in an event that had even in the slightest anything to do with Tantra. The Heart Support Circle is Rowan’s “baby”, she hosts it, and the event is not tantric. It is about growing, exploring, connecting – self development really. We got to know Oxford Tantra Wave through a friend who had participated in one of their “Diving for Pearls” Workshops and recommended it to us. Because my husband and I wanted to do something as a couple, that helped us step out of the everyday life stress and connect with each other on a heart level, we participated in their workshop ‘Pink‘, which is – you guessed it – about the heart; and it was an absolutely amazing weekend full of lovely people, experiences and connection. It did not only bring more awareness and tenderness into our relationship, but we also made new friends. So, when Rowan invited us to this Heart Support Circle, we were absolutely delighted and totally up for it.

Again and again we get so carried away by our every day lives, that from time to time we like to do something as a couple that helps us re-connect on a deeper level. Tonight, we met a few people we knew from the Pink workshop and lots of new faces. They were all such interesting, lovely individuals, and we enjoyed every minute of the 4 hours we spent together. Rowan guides people so sensitively and gently into a safe place where one can open up and be vulnerable. As a result, real connection can happen and does happen. I watched so many stressed and tired faces soften and brighten up during the evening, it was just bliss.

I would like to share one exercise of the evening:

At one point we were asked to find a partner and have them mirror our expression of our own heart. We were asked to feel into our heart and-  in a body posture – express how we treat it or what it feels like. Our partner would then copy this posture and we would have the chance to look at it (our heart) and ‘do’ something with it or speak to it in order to make it feel better, or (if it was looking good) even better.
I found myself expressing and then – even more powerful – seeing my heart as a young girl staring into the sky, kind of lost or as if it was searching for something up there. Tears filled my eyes, I felt so touched by this picture, and all I wanted was to get it to look at me and show it the world and to have it connect with Mother Earth and tell it to open up it’s senses to what was there in front of it. My ‘mirror’ responded so beautifully to my attempt to make it feel safe and happy and open up to the world around it. We ended up poking and tickling each other and having a giggle. I felt so much love for ‘my heart’, it was overwhelming. And ‘my heart’ (embodied by my partner) was in awe about the life out there and the connection with Mother Earth and the answers being right in front of its eyes.

So that’s what I’m doing. What an eye-opener! I was actually gutted. I thought I was in such a great place, really grounded. And there I see myself with the head in the clouds and looking for the answers up there.

I am so grateful for this (open) monthly Sunday evening group, which I can recommend to anybody who is interested in connecting with people on a deeper level, but also to them who want to re-connect with their heart on a more or less regular basis. We also brought along vegetarian food to share, and found ourselves enjoying the most beautiful, delicious food.

By the way, Oxford Tantra Wave’s next workshop on the heart is ‘Pink’, coming weekend (6/7 October) in Chorleywood, between Oxford and London, and there are still places available. If you’re interested, contact info@oxfordtantrawave.com or find the details on their webpage.

Good night, World. I’m going to bed now, feeling very tired but enriched and still full of love.

Huge hug!

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Failure

Should I feel a failure because my workshop didn’t happen for the lack of participants?

No worries! I’m not asking for pity.

I refuse to feel a failure – some entity inside tells me I can do it but it wasn’t the right time. The feeling of being a loser does still come up when I find myself unsuccessful of achieving what I aimed for; also, I feel a little sad and impatient. But something else happens very quickly afterwards these days: I know that I can not see the bigger picture, especially not when I feel down and unworthy. I remember that difficult times have always made me stronger and led to something bigger, better. I simply accept that it is not the time to experience this kind of success. And: Most importantly, I have a fantastic social network which makes sure I don’t get lost in self pity.

So, my workshop didn’t take place. But: I am blessed having had it booked with somebody who wouldn’t charge me for the room. It was a beautiful, sunny day; I had my two daughters with me (doesn’t happen very often) and my husband. And my wonderful, supportive and devoted friend – who had booked a place on my workshop – came anyway to spend the day with us. We went for a pub lunch in Oxford at The Jolly Farmers and laughed a lot and ate a wonderful meal.

I fail. But that doesn’t make me a loser or a failure.

I am successful. Whenever I get the opportunity to work with a person, I feel successful.

Life is beautiful.

Thought, I also start sharing my photos with you. So here is one:

You never know what’s round the corner. In the meantime, see the beauty that shows itself to you.

Bless u all!

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My work

Hello – long time no see 😉

Last Monday I expected four participants at my taster session. One came. But never mind, I was grateful for the one – and therefore I offered her a free constellation session with me, which would normally cost £65. She was happy to work with me. The session went really well, and I felt both grateful and humble for receiving such trust and openness as well as the willingness to really address an issue. Today, I received such a lovely feedback, that I thought I’d share it with you (why not):

“Silvia holds a space that is warm and welcoming, and her work, about which she is clearly so passionate, digs deep into the heart of our histories, karma, and conditioning. She deals in perspectives, windows into ourselves, into our past, into the scars handed down from our forebears, windows that allow us to find clarity and experience catharsis beneath her compassionate guidance. Intuitive, gentle, and so very welcoming, I can recommend her work for anyone seeking to better understand their unconscious self, and take trans-formative steps towards personal freedom and empowerment. I left the session feeling lighter, a little wiser, and hugely appreciative of this lovely woman!”

Thank you for that! Thank you, thank you!

I know I am passionate about my work, and I know that this is where home is. But it is still so very lovely to get such feedback. I am truly touched!

Anyway – maybe that will encourage you Oxfordshire and Wiltshire (and all other) people to come to my Systemic Constellations Workshop on Saturday 22nd September (10am-5pm). All details on my ‘workshops‘ page.

So, that’s what I wanted to share with you today. Oh, and – I’m going to be on the ‘panel’ of next Fe-line Women’s “Word of Mouth”, which will be about “To blog or not to blog“. I am certainly not a great example of blogging, but I do believe it’s a good thing, and I (and a few other lovely ladies) will tell you why, when we see each other on the 25th September at 7:30 pm at the Pub “Port Mahon” in Oxford (Details: http://fe-line.co.uk/events/to-blog-or-not-to-blog/).

Hope you can make it, Women of Oxford!

Bless you all xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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Reiki

Yesterday I became attuned to Reiki, 1st level, by Wayne Lee in Bournemouth. He is such a nice guy – and so relaxed and easy going. At first I didn’t notice anything in terms of energy change, but during the day and the four part-attunements I received, my energy level raised and raised, and my hands started to tingle in a nice way. By the end of the day I was able to give Reiki to the other participants and received great feedback. I sensed different things in different people, some needed hands-on touch, some only aura healing.

I have been giving healing sessions for a long time and I always felt more like a channel for the good energies, but Reiki makes a difference, as the energy is much clearer. I only ever sensed with my right hand, but since yesterday I sense with my left hand as well. I feel a better connection between both hands.

And would you believe it – Wayne cooked a fantastic, delicious meal with a yummy pudding for us all, which I had not at all expected (all included in the very reasonable course price). He was a cook before he became a healer. In the afternoon we were also indulged with very nice chocolate bars. Lovely!

I look forward to using Reiki a lot and will certainly go to Wayne to get my 2nd attunement, when I’m ready.

Love & Blessings!

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A lost friend

I distanced myself from my closest friend half a year ago. The realisation of not having this relationship anymore comes in little, painful steps. Soon, I’m going to visit the town where she lives. Normally I would now make arrangements to see her and I would get all excited about it. She felt more like a sister to me. When I saw her the first time it was like a reunion. That was about eighteen years ago. I just fell in love with her – her looks, her energy, her aura, her innocence. I could talk with her like with no-one else. She knew everything about me, and I’m sure I knew more than anybody else. The only thing was, that it was always a bit one-sided in terms of putting effort in keeping and maintaining this relationship. The balance wasn’t right. Often I would call her many times before she would call me, or I would invite her so much more often than I was invited back, especially when her family was involved. I often felt abandoned, left out. When she was in love she would make herself very rare, and I would not be the first to know either. I’m sure she loved me in her own way, though, and had her reasons to act like she did.

The last few years I was more of a listener and supporter to her, as she was going through a never-ending crisis with her husband. I would call her minimum once a week to find out how she was and would listen to the same story again and again. Last summer I met her and told her that I felt our friendship was a bit one-sided and that I wished she would sometimes want to listen to me, too. She hadn’t realised I had been feeling like this and apologised, and we spoke about me for a change. She is a good listener, too, and it helped me to talk about my experience and short comings. I thought, our relationship was going to be more balanced from then on. I spent a lot of time with her during my stay.

One day I bumped into her husband, when I visited her at home, quite unexpectedly. I thought he should have gone to work by the time I arrived. I wanted to avoid him, knowing what I knew about him. But there he was, saying a friendly ‘hello, how are you’ to me, so I answered back friendly and asked him about his work, as nothing else seemed to come to my mind – Small Talk. Unfortunately, I hadn’t realised how sensitive this topic was for my friend. A minute into him talking about his job my friend interrupted him harshly and reminded him that he should know that his job arrangements (working away 4 days a week) were a big cause of the troubles they had, and that he should kindly not talk as if everything was alright. Before they could go into an argument, I said: “Stop, I’m sorry, but if you are going to have a domestic, I’d rather stay out of it.” He got up and left quite quickly after that. I didn’t think much of it, although I did see my friend was a bit stressed, especially with her two young children afterwards. We had quite a nice time together, and I stayed over and spent the morning with her, having breakfast, before I left.

A few weeks later I received an email from her, in which she accused me of having been insensitive when I had started talking about his job with her husband and not sticking up for her when she had a go at him. She felt betrayed. I could not believe what I read. Reading that felt like a stab in the back. That was too much for me, that tipped the boat over. I was furious, and as a result we had a rather nasty email exchange, which felt like poking in each others wounds. I wanted to hurt her.

Why did I do that. Why? I should have just apologised to her about my thoughtless conversation with her husband. Instead I stood my grounds and explained what happened for me in that situation and that I didn’t see myself doing anything wrong or selling her out. Does it matter, who is right? We were not able to leave it at that and move on. She kept her emails short – I was writing essays. At one point, I realised this was so going nowhere. I decided to distance myself from her. I felt not acknowledged and not seen as the person and true friend I thought I was.

But since, I have been grieving and missing her so much at times. It is a big loss and I don’t feel like having benefited from my telling her my ‘truth’. I think about her often, and there are times when I am very close to writing an email to her or calling her. I looked her up on Google and found she had opened her own practice as a complementary therapist. I thought: “Wow! Finally, she’s done it.” (she had been talking about wanting to do it for such a long time, I had actually lost faith). And I felt happy for her. I sent a message on Facebook about my discovery, hoping her daughter, who’s connected with me there and might see my post, would tell her about my wishing her well.

When I think about it now, I know that our friendship, as it was, belongs to the past and is an example of a rather neurotic one. I needed her more than she me, or maybe in a different way. Maybe one day our paths cross again. I think I would like that.

In the meantime, I feel I need to do some forgiveness work. But – to be honest – I am quite stuck with this issue and will most certainly need some help from a systemic constellator or a psychodrama facilitator, in order to clearly see what is going on underneath; but mostly in order to step into her shoes. But I won’t touch the topic for a while. It scares me like hell.

Farewell, my friend, my soul sister! I miss u. There is no replacement and never will be. I will try and keep the good memories alive, and maybe one day I will go to you with an open heart and try to re-connect. Or, maybe you will?

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Mood swings

I know I shouldn’t be moody. I have healthy children, a happy marriage, a house with garden, a lovely job, potential to grow, a future (at least I think so), my parents are still alive (and together), I’m fairly healthy, my credit hasn’t run out and I have wonderful friends. What more can I wish for??!!

Still – I was moody during the last three days, starting on a sunny Sunday midday. God knows why. I don’t. I became a nagging, unsatisfied, grumbling monster, and I have no bloomin’ clue why.

Yes, there are a few things, when I think about it:

  • I still don’t earn enough money in my new career
  • I don’t see enough increase of money on my account, although I just recently worked on the issue of wealth and money (why do I not win the flippin’ lottery??)
  • My 18 year-old is becoming headstrong and I’m running out of threads
  • I know I have a house and I’m grateful, but I don’t like it and want to move into a new one, but my partner doesn’t feel the same
  • My negative thinking is in the way all the time
  • My thinking anyway just never stops
  • I’ve run out of space on my computer
  • I’m sick of having a non-family person in our house that wears my shoes and talks back to me willfully when I want something to be done in the house
  • I better stop here, I’m feeling sick from all this negativity

Okay – Let me turn this around:

  • I always have enough money on my account and my new career is taking off. I will clearly see that when I look back in two years
  • There is the right time for wealth in my life, and I trust it is being worked at right now
  • My daughter is healthy, strong and self confident. I accept that living together is sometimes challenging and stay calm at any time
  • Our new house is waiting to be found by us, and it is the perfect home for both of us. My husband wants me to be happy, therefore he is taking this challenging step with me
  • I am such a positive person, I spread it like a shower of light all the time
  • I meditate regularly and my mind clears and calms
  • My computer serves me well, and freeing up space is easy
  • It is a blessing to have the non-family person in our house. I can learn so much from having them, and they are my mirror
  • I feel so much better already

🙂 A huge smile to all of my followers 🙂

Oh, and ….

… thanks, Universe, that I can always turn around my bad moods 😉

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Children & trauma

My youngest daughter was only two years old when within a few months only her dad had to leave us and her adored and much loved big (5 year old, half-) sister left us to live with her dad (which wasn’t my youngest daughter’s dad). It came as a big shock and could not be digested by my little girl. It got stuck in her system as a trauma. At one point she started shouting and screaming at night while she was sleeping and would not be touched or calmed down. Those ‘attacks’ lasted for a good half hour or longer. I had – at the time – no idea why and felt completly helpless with the situation.

A little later, at a women-and-children’s clinic, I learnt to just be there until the attacks finished. I was advised to stay calm and keep still, which would eventually affect my child. During the stay in that clinic I learnt a lot about myself, my situation and received a huge amount of loving care from the therapists and nurses. Therapy showed me that I was a child in need, too, and that I had to learn to give myself those things I was missing. I had to understand that I would never get what I needed from my parents, as childhood was over, and my parents wouldn’t change just because I wanted them to.

After a few months of many sleepless nights with screaming attacks, my daughter slept through the nights again. I understand that she had to get the anger and frustration, as well as the feeling of being powerless, out of her system.

The trauma, though, was still there, and she developed many different kinds of symptoms during childhood that had to be dealt with. My oldest daughter was influenced against me and everybody in my family, so there was no contact for many years. My girls were separated.

One day, when my youngest was about 9 years old, she told me how angry she felt that her sister didn’t want to have contact with us and expressed her disagreement very emotionally – she was furious. I decided to use my family constellation skills on the kitchen table using jam jars, cups and glasses. I placed our situation using those cups and glasses and made them representatives of our family system by giving them names and positions and let my daughter take over to change and move them where she wanted them to be. My clever little girl knew exactly how the different people in our system felt in the different positions.

During this ‘constellation’ it became clear to my daughter that her sister was meant to be with her dad and that she just wasn’t able to contact us, although she really wanted to. She understood that everything was as it had to be. I was astonished how clearly she saw what was really going on and how the dynamics worked. This new insight gave her some peace and understanding, and from that day on she never questioned the situation again, she accepted it and kept hoping that things would change for the better (which they did eventually). She kept a loving contact in her heart and sent postcards and little messages now and then to let her sister know that she still loved her and would always be there for her. The same did I. And we often sat together, looked at older photos of my oldest and sent her good thoughts and wishes from our hearts. It was always very emotional but good for both our minds and souls.

Two years later we were ‘re-united’ after seven years, although my oldest daughter decided to stay at her dad’s in Germany. But we were back in contact, and we were re-bonding and have been doing so since.

I am convinced that family constellation work is a wonderful and powerful tool to help children (from a certain age) and adults to understand and accept their situation, find peace and even solutions.

I could not avoid my children getting hurt, as at the time I didn’t know better. But I was able to address my issues and heal myself in order to become a better parent. I see it as my duty to be the person in my children’s life they can rely on one hundred percent. I see it as my duty to be an example, because I know they look to me first.

As a constellator and grown-up I know how much my children want me to be happy and content, and that they would give their lives to take my pain from me. Therefore I am constantly making sure that I am happy and content.

Both my daughters carry the burden of their own heart breaks, which I am responsible for. But I have forgiven myself for causing pain and confusion, because I know I didn’t know what I was doing and I was in pain and I was confused myself.

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Patterns

There is so much advice on Twitter, Facebook and LinkedIn, too much to digest it all. But now and then there are posts that really touch me. It’s usually the real life stories that move me, but I don’t find the time to read all those. It’s good to know, though, that other people seem to have similar troubles, and that I am not on my own. It also helps me to read stories about people turning around their lives – very inspiring.

Sometimes, though, it is just that little sentence or statement that turns out to be of great help to me.

Just recently, I found myself thinking those well known negative thoughts again, and I felt I was going in circles instead of moving forward. In my negative state I couldn’t imagine that breaking this pattern was ever possible – I was certainly going down the hill. Then I saw this very simple statement from Louise L Hay on Facebook, which read:

“It is easy to change a thought or a pattern.”

I read it with disbelief and a pinch of disgust, as it felt so untrue. But I know Louise L Hay from troubled days, and I remembered this was just one of her millions of positive affirmations.

This little statement turned it around for me. I decided to write it onto a piece of paper and hang it in my office onto the wall facing me. Now I see it every workday morning and it reminds me that it is my mindset that creates my reality, and that my reality is created in every moment.

Thank you Louise L Hay, for helping me and millions others to keep our minds focussed on positive thinking. I’m glad I ‘liked’ your facebook page, because I enjoy reading your affirmations every day. It might have been you (your books), which helped me turn around my chaotic life, nearly twenty years ago. I am now harvesting so many wonderful fruits like a happy marriage and being a steady, reliable partner and mum.

Life is good!

Bless you all!

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New attitude

I have been working on my self-image during the past three months. Not only have I been seeing my mentor (Martin Honeywell, Oxford) once a month and started a 6-month health coaching, but also have I painfully felt my lack of self-value, sat in meditation with those feelings, spoken about it with other people, reflected on it during workshops and done a constellation on wealth/money (which, amongst other things, brought up the issue about self value). I have been finding myself thinking negativ thoughts about my self and correcting them but also getting to the bottom of them, and I’ve been asking for feedback and cuddles/hugs from others to nurture my self. I’ve been looking into the mirror, trying to focus on the beautiful details of me reflecting from the mirror, and I have smiled a lot, especially when I didn’t feel like it.

The most rewarding and enriching thing I did, though, was to carry the positive me into my outside world – to my family, friends, colleagues, to my social networks, like the Fe-line Women’s network in Oxford, Facebook, Twitter and LinkedIn. What I have been receiving from this new way of feeling and presenting my self, goes beyond what I expected.

I am far away from not thinking negative thoughts, but I am more and more aware of them and correcting them, which has enhanced the quality of my life immensly. I am a better parent, partner, colleague and friend, and I have a much better relationship with myself.

Letting praise in and positive feedback is still a challenge for me, I find myself questioning it (“why is she/are they saying it – what do they want in return, are they just being nice?”). But I am getting better at it. The more I appreciate my self, the more I am being appreciated by the outside world – and able to let it in. And that applies to everything I am giving.

The world that I see is my mirror, it’s the mirror of my thoughts and beliefs about my self and the world.

I’ve also been listening to the Audiobook “The Power” by Rhonda Byrne (following her book ‘The Secret‘). I am recommending it to all people who truly feel they want to change. This book can change you (if you let it) – it’s like a positive mantra or affirmation to become the person you really are and that you deserve to be.

Another key to feeling really good – especially on a rainy or for other reasons rather unhappy day – is to stop and think about the good things you have in your life and feel immensly grateful for them. It’s truly uplifting.

Love to my self and the Universe!